Ire

A bolt of thunder sent a shiver up her spine. She got up, panting, the last words at the base of her soft plump lips were “Calm down love… please… calm down…”. Her throat ached due to the continuous screams.

PART 1

It’s not the thunder that made her quiver in fear. It was the man beside her. The unfortunate truth being that she loved him. And he had indeed tested every extent of that love. Enough was enough, she couldn’t let anger remain as his predominant nature. All strings had been torn by now. She was about to grit her teeth yet all that came out was a soft gasp. Her heart mellowed as he pillowed her bare stomach and mumbled in his sleep. He almost looked like a lost child, clinging on to her.

She cradled his sleeping face and pecked him gently. She could never really go on to blast at him for his insensitivities or anger. She knew he felt just as much. She knew that he needed just one word from her and he would leave her, for he was convinced right from the beginning that he would spell doom for her.

“You are impossible.” He muttered and continued to work on the file before. “Here are the details, the dilation of pupils show that there was a certain amount of drug involved in his system - this proves that it can’t be a suicide. So now Mr. Rawte all we have to do is close this case as a suicide and open this one as a murder case and yep, tomorrow Chotu, Shree and Rathore are going to interrogate every person Suresh was acquainted with.” I thumped the files on his desk.

“But the killer would want…” he started and I stopped him “Shree has a tab on every acquaintance, any irregular activity - we would nab them. So now Mr. Rawte could I have five minutes of your time?” I bit my lower lip to keep my patience and look at the insolent man in front of me.

He pressed his lips firmly, he knew there was no way out. “Leave me, marrying me would do no good Miss. Anand.” he growled.

I shook my head negatively, for the second time in the day I kneeled before him and took his palms into mine. “Listen Mr. Rawte - I want to marry you, knowing the fact that you have a bunch load of insecurities, knowing the fact that you are finding it tough to move on from Roshni - but I don’t want you to forget her!” I said exasperatedly.

Arjun shook his head and cupped my cheeks “It’s my anger damn it! I thought of a family with Roshni and it’s not that I don’t love you Sakshi, I too want to move on but trust me except hurt, you wouldn’t receive anything else! Keep your teenage crush aside and forget me.” He grunted and walked out of the cabin while I followed him in heels.

“STOP!” I yelled before him and followed him till his black SUV. Shuffling his feet slightly he looked at me. I knew he loved me - his eyes spoke volumes, else I wasn’t an idiot to pursue a man who would have nothing. “I am a vulnerable and volatile man… do you realise that? Heck I could shout at you and then regret, the last thing I want to do is lose my temper on you. You are wonderful and beautiful!” he held on to my palms and dragged me close.

A slight chuckle left my throat “If you feel that we are not worth being together then why are we, again, at such a kissable distance?” I reminded him of the little kiss we shared after we escaped death by a mili second. His eyes darkened to midnight on recalling that moment and I turned crimson as his grip on my waist tightened. “I am fire Sakshi, stay away from me.” his ragged breath though, spoke the exact opposite… I grinned at his possessiveness.

I cupped his stubble cheek gently, his eyes drooped off that touch and I looked at his face, mesmerised by the sudden vanishing of frown lines “Are you leaving me because you found another woman to see, touch, feel, kiss and marry?” I knew I was blunt. His eyes blazed with anger and he pushed me against the SUV… his heat of wrath shook my bones but I cared a little about that.

“Are you damned out of your mind? The only person after Roshni has been you!” He banged his hand on the SUV, his hot breath touched the contours of my face. I groaned in pain as his fingers bit into my arms. He left me immediately but he didn’t step back. “See! I hurt you!” he yelled and I caught his raged face in my hands. “Listen! Neither can I think of another man, you have branded me as yours… now do you get my point love?” I brushed my lips lightly against his.

He sighed in defeat. I knelt before him - the third time now and took his palm into mine “Mr. Arjun Suryakant Rawte, would you honour me, Miss Sakshi Anand, by making me your wife? Will you marry me?” For the first time Rawte’s face broke into a little smile. He crushed me into his arms and whispered a yes. As our lips meshed together in content, a distant whistle brought me to reality.

Arjun still kept his palm at the back of my waist and snapped his head to watch an excited Shree… I blushed and hugged Arjun tighter. When Sameer came forth to congratulate us, he took me aside “Sakshi… tumhe pata hai right ki tum kya kar rahi ho? Handling Rawte isn’t easy… damn it woh gusse main kuch bhi kar sakta hai!” Sameer frowned in a brotherly concern.

I looked at Arjun who nodded at the congratulations, his smile faltered when he saw Sameer and I engaged in a conversation - he perhaps guessed what Sameer said.

I smiled back at Sameer and patted his back. I passed a reassuring smile to Arjun and drove back home. I found Arjun to be hesitating…

“Kya baat hai?” I asked, frowning.

“Sakshi, I am ready to get married… but… a family… I can’t handle it nor expect it fast enough…” he murmured. I tugged his arm along with mine.

“Arjun… I am vulnerable too… not just you.” I opened up to him for the first time. It felt like I had wrapped that man around the core of my heart. My sentiments, emotions, feelings - everything became dedicated to the man on my right.

He had become a part of my throbbing heart. I knew there were obstacles ahead - but embracing Arjun wouldn’t be tough… would it?

Sakshi snaps out of her memory with a message on her phone. “Sash… handled Arjun? R u ok?” It was from Ayesha.

Sakshi bit her lips. To tell the truth, handling Arjun had been close to a nightmare. It’s almost as if his anger increased to a double fold and the only way Sakshi could handle him was by putting herself between his rage and himself. It would hurt at time, nay, never would he lay a finger on her - that is exactly what Sakshi took to advantage.

By now there had been only one way to calm Arjun… she remembered the first time he had turned furious, literally hell had broken lose.

The criminal had taken the life of an innocent person’s wife because he lusted her and hated the husband. It sounded way too close to Rawte’s life.  

“Rawte sambhalo!” Rathore tried to drag Arjun out of the interrogation room where Arjun beat the pulp out of the man with profanities and kicks. I ran into the interrogation room and dragged a wild Arjun outside to his cabin. He shouted at me, yelled at me making me wince at his words. He threw and broke things aside.

“That b*****d b*** son of a ****” Arjun started off while I pushed him inside his cabin. “Arjun if he dies then we can’t punish him! The law will decide his fate! You have beaten him enough to make him lose his manhood.. ab sambhalo! Sikandar ko tumne maar chuka hai - paanch saal ho gaye hai uss baat ko. Now leave your past Arjun… usko hang till death ya phir lifetime imprisonment milega… he will be punished…” I rubbed his back to calm him down when he started punching the wall…

I looked at him in shock “Arjun! Calm down baby… please!” I said and stood between the wall and his bloody knuckles. He growled at me “Leave the hell out of here Sakshi, I don’t wanna punch you nor say something I will regret. Just LEAVE!” he grabbed my shoulder, I bit back the tears that threatened to spill out.

Cupping his cheeks I placed a tender kiss on his nose “Please jaan… would you leave me if I go on a self destruction mode? Just calm down…” I whispered fervently while he stared into my eyes. Before he could do anything I locked the door and hugged him tightly, my palms soothed his tensed back till he relaxed.

“How can anyone kill a woman and destroy the man? Kyun… main Roshni ko kyun nahi bacha paaya!” Arjun yelled while I held him close to my heart, trying to calm him and soothe him. “Ssh… we are doing our best to kill such leeches in our society, trust me this won’t be unheard and I will make sure of that.  Now give me your hand…” I took his knuckles into mine, in spite of my words I found fury dwelling in him - again. Thus I stopped his mouth with a kiss, hoping that the most tangible thing of our relationship would deviate him.

Half an hour later he clutched on to me tight, his head burrowed in the crook of my neck while I ran my hands through his hair, tracing my fingers on his bare back. I shushed him with kisses… hoping he would calm down. I teared up on seeing his pain and anguish, but it frightened the hell out of me…

Truth was I really didn’t know how to reduce his anger as a whole.

But he did calm down… his regular breathing showed so.

As he dozed off, out of exhaustion and fatigue, I quickly put on my clothes and dressed him up as well… patting his head I walked into the interrogation room where that bruised b*****d lay. “All ok?” Rathore signaled and I nodded.

Cracking my knuckles I sat in front of the man. “So do you accept your crime?” I asked, looking at the blows he had received he nodded his head. “Well from a lady as hot as you, I can bow down before any crime.” that filthy man uttered.

As Arjun walked in to hear the exact sentence to infuriate him I placed a palm at his chest and nodded no.

“Chotu, camera off?” I asked, he nodded. With that I gave an exact blow to that man’s “manhood”.  He groaned in pain while I dusted my hands. “Case solved, let’s go home people.” I said and walked with Arjun’s arm across mine.

At an earshot I heard Rathore speaking to Ayesha “Ashu… I don’t like the way the relationship is progressing… they… it would be their end one day…” he muttered and I felt Arjun stiffen before me.

I smiled at his clenched face and took him back home. On the way I got Ayesha call “Yeah Ash…” I smiled, my fingertips caressing the little bright hickey on my neck. I half smiled at Arjun while he scratched his head a little and half smiled. I could do anything for these smiles.

“So Rudra dev shant hue? Sash… sach main tell me… sex isn’t always the best option to calm down!” Ayesha blurted on the phone.

“Ash! Just this time this happened…” I glared on the phone, my face bright red. “We aren’t frustrated individuals either, all we need, sometimes is a hug!” I clarified.

“Cool… par tum dono ki bass ek hafte hi hue hai shadi ke, aur tum dono newly weds nahi dikhte yaar… you two are too gumsum...” Ayesha muttered her concern. “Ashu… will speak tomorrow dear… byeee… luv ya…” I said and hung the call.

I used to hate the fact whenever anyone thought that it takes intimacy to calm down Arjun. Never! He just needed reassurance. Sometimes it would just be a hug, I would stick to him like a lizard till he gives up his anger and if the matters go out of hands then… at times we would end up in bed. But he never hurt me.

But today his anger was beyond limits. It scared the shit out of me… as days passed by I became vulnerable to this man before me. His love, passion and insecurities was a dangerous combination for me. We never indulged in moonlight romance or honeymoon… no… that was a distant dream.

But I knew he loved me, his protective nature and possessiveness highlighted it in bold. Even though I wanted to shove at him and shout at him, watching him hold on to me like the anchor of his life brought me at crossroads of emotions.

Today though, he did hurt me…

How could he possibly think that I should marry off another man? He was sarcastic and mean to his best.

He never promised to be a doting husband - yet he did fret over the slightest of things over me, even if it was a paper cut.

Oh Hell! I cursed and waved my hand in air. “What happened?” I found him next to me the very second. “Nothing re… bas this paper!” I glared as if the paper would burn the minute I stared at it.

Within a few seconds instead of pain a surge of pleasure shot up my spine. My finger was in his mouth as he gently drew in the blood, licking the cut softly. I gazed at his tensed face and ruffled his hair - even though he hated it.  Amidst all this I didn’t miss his pupils widening to jet black as they locked into mine. Somehow for us, the littlest of actions would rush the blood in our systems. I couldn’t help but hug his hand.

After a few minutes, content that no more blood came out he walked into his cabin. It was strange, he would barely say good morning and good night, but the minute I was near the word discomfort he would rush next to me.

I didn’t know whether this was being doting or not, he never really bothered on my clothes, hair or looks. All that mattered was that I should be ok.

I frowned at what to do or not… Arjun had a scarred childhood thus he told me that he never wanted a family. Never.

It was our first night. Though our marriage had been nothing pompous, all we did was sign a few papers at the court with the team being the witness. Rathore still grumbled like an older brother as to the festivities we should have engaged in.

I signaled Ayesha to handle Rathore, for Rathore’s one word would prick Arjun at the center of his heart. By now I had understood this man a great deal.

Wearing a pale cream and pink colored lehenga, the only jewelry I had were gold earrings and bangles. My hair was left loose and there was little vermillion in the parting. A faint rise in my pulse rate as Arjun walked into our room. Wearing a cream kurta and jeans.

I had dreamt of a grand wedding, but strangely I found myself content in the little ceremony.

“Sakshi, I need to tell you something.” He hesitated and sat beside me on the bed. He blurted out on not being the caring husband or the fun loving husband that a girl like me would deserve, and the fact that he didn’t want children.

His past was horrific enough, with a soft embrace he revealed about his mother leaving him a tender age with an abusive father who used to beat Arjun to express his pent up anger.

Arjun used to doubt if he was an illegitimate son of his mother and the other man. Fortunately that wasn’t the case. Nonetheless the treatment he received was horrific. In fact he didn’t want to marry but Roshni had changed his world, and now I had.

As we made love that night, amidst his passion and gentleness I clung on to him, with a worry… this man just needed one excuse to leave me.

Because he loved me too much, he was sure that a person like me didn’t deserve a guy like him. I hoped that baring my vulnerable side and embracing him  would make him stay with me forever.

Sakshi slipped out of her bed. Nowadays it used to hurt her more whenever he got sarcastic, her heart used to get twisted as if it was jabbed with a knife. She couldn’t take it anymore. At times his anger used to make her feel like leaving everything, but then whenever he would make up, Sakshi would fall apart and cling on him.

By strengthening him she had broken herself.

She wiped her tears slightly. She was scared, it was as if Arjun had turned into a mission to prove how unworthy he was for her - yet every night he would hold on to her as if begging her to not leave him, when he kept on giving her every reason to do so.

Wrapping the sheet around herself she broke into tiny sobs. The last few days were really getting on her nerves. It had been a pretty complex case. Sakshi’s caresses weren’t working anymore to soothe his anger.

That was one of Sakshi’s biggest fears, when his anger would overpower his love for her.

Every thread of sanity snapped when she had been injured during the case. He cursed and blamed himself, hitting, berating and almost reaching a point of harming himself with every visible object.

When Sameer tried to intervene Rawte stormed out. Ayesha helplessly called out to Sakshi to handle the fury in Arjun.

Sakshi had only been safe in the mission due to Shree, he had jumped in the last moment to save her from a shot that could have been life threatening.

And something poisonous snapped in Arjun watching Shree lying over Sakshi - even though he just saved her. His jealous possessive mind started ticking as to why was Shree hovering over Sakshi, Arjun had been unaware of the bullet. The only thing he saw was Sakshi in an intimate distance with Shree… the space where only Arjun was allowed. However the minute, even with a grazed arm, Sakshi rushed to him and hugged him tight, Arjun felt like throwing every profanity to himself… she was damned shot!

And what was he even thinking about? This woman had given up every dream only for him. He knew she loved him like an idiot. He never deserved it and instead of saving her he doubted her?

How could he? How in the friggin world could he be so disgusting! He didn’t move an inch while Sakshi was aided to. Yet he kept a conscious distance from her.

He felt revolted of himself.

He was one disgusting man. One pathetic man! He didn’t deserve to be the father of their future children, that is if they ever came. How could he damned be doubtful on his lovely wife?

Arjun woke up to see the bare space of the bed next to him.

He picked up his pants and searched for Sakshi, had she left him? Good… he deserved that!

But he found her sitting on a recliner at the balcony, overlooking the midnight city. She was weeping. If there was anything Arjun couldn’t ever see.. it was her tears.

It was because of him.

Today he had berated her to no end for having married a man as useless as him. He didn’t even remember the words he spoke.

His jaws stiffened as he recalled the bitterest of them all..

“Why the hell did you marry me! I bloo*y couldn’t save you from a bullet!” I towered on my wife who tried to say something.

“What is it that makes me stick to you?” I shouted at her, breaking the glass of water into pieces and she held on to the counter. I had noticed her being more sensitive and vulnerable to me nowadays, but I cared a damn about that! I didn’t deserve her - period!

“I neither wish you mornings, nor take care of you! I never took you to a honeymoon or sh*t, we never celebrated any festivals. Damn it, the only thing working in our relationship according to me is the lovemaking… that too I don’t caress you… it’s just me coming in and out of you… why do you friggin love me!” I shouted at the top of my lungs to find her slump on near the counter. Tears rolled by her cheeks. For the first time she didn’t try to control my anger.

“A..a… are you going to leave me for your obnoxious idea that you don’t deserve me? And our love is seriously more than you coming in and out of me every night!” her rasped voice reached my ears. I looked at her face. How did she ever think I was good?

I swung her up my arms like a sack of potatoes and headed to the bedroom. Her eyes held the look of defiance. “I hate myself Sakshi and I will make sure you feel the same too.” I spoke thickly while she held my hair. “Calm down baby… please.” she murmured as I clambered over her.

She has always been a beautiful weakness of mine. Her presence meant everything to me. I could spend my lifetime by just sitting next to her. Just staring at her. “I will never hate you love…” she murmured and mewed as I placed chaste kisses.

“You will… very soon…” I grumbled and held her close. Try as I might I could not hurt her physically… I hoped my words would have the needed effect. I could be rough but it would never prick her. I never let the tears roll by.

With great difficulty I blurted out the words which would make her leave me. After our climaxes I mumbled “This is the only thing that ties us, get that… just this.” I look up to her face and my gut feels twisted as she starts sobbing harder.

“You are a pathetic liar Arjun!” she yells at me and cries harder. Oh Lord… I just want her to get away… my ire was turning me into an animal as days went by.

My carelessness had been the reason for my wife to get shot. Had it not been for Shree she could have died. How… how in the world would I accept that? Over that I, like a pathetic husband doubted on my gorgeous wife.

She didn’t deserve me. Yet somehow I found myself snuggling near her waist and murmuring to not leave me.

I was vulnerable and insecure. I couldn’t let that affect the woman I loved the most.

Love is not everything in a relationship - it’s trust, understanding, compliance, acceptance, patience - every area which I truly lacked in.

“Sakshi…” the only word running in Arjun’s mind.

He opened the lower cabinet of their kitchen and begun drinking. It was a rare thing but yeah, he used to drink once in a bluemoon.

Sakshi felt a few movements and walked towards the living room, wrapping the sheet tighter against herself. She found her husband to be drinking.

“Arjun! What the! Tum kabhi peete nahi ho! Yeh kab shuru hua?” she glared at him.

“Sorry to break your little world of “I love my Arjun”… yeah… I am an alcoholic, deal with it!” He flung aside his glass and jumped next to her the minute it shattered near her feet.

“Shut up! You aren’t, I would have smelt it out…” she knotted her perfectly shaped eyebrows towards him. “Only at occasions…” he muttered, looking aside guilty.

“No issues jaan… par kyun… kuch nahi hua, main theek hoon sab kuch theek toh hai na Arjun… kyun apne aap ko aise cheezon main dhakel dete ho! Why do you want to be the man you are not Jun? And not alcohol… please… I can’t bear if anything happens to you!” Sakshi cupped his cheeks and hugged him.

“Argh… Sakshi!” he muttered angrily but she hugged him tighter, least bothered about the sheet slipping away into a silk puddle on her feet. Arjun groaned feeling her soft form. She began kissing his earlobes - making him dazed out.

“Sashu…” he muttered… whenever he felt aroused and loved her the most - Sashu would be the name. “I love you and throw your non sense in the drain… I can’t live without you Arjun… one step from the house and I would kill myself!” she started crying as he cupped her cheeks and wiped her tears.

“No… please…” he muttered between his frenzied kisses. “Please… apne aap ko itna mat koso… I love you… that’s it… stop all this rubbish… I beg of you…” she muttered and soon enough found herself to be in his arms, again.

If only there was anything that could soothe him… make him trust in their relationship.

Suddenly Arjun stiffened from his caresses and watched at her flushed face.

Her form seemed very… tender…

As his fingers traced her soft flesh she almost tore the bedsheet in joy. Arjun stiffened at her response. Without her letting know he cradled her in his arms and moved his fingers around her other sensitive spots. Except her soft flesh - where she reacted exceptionally… she seemed to be fine.

A slight worry developed in Arjun as he touched her again. Peering at her shamelessly in the moonlight a small gasp left his mouth. He could notice slight blue veins on her soft chest.

He had never seen them before.

The softness and tenderness had increased to a level that he felt that he had touched the petals of a rose. Tension broke in Arjun.

Sakshi seemed glowing but Arjun started fretting - especially at the development of the veins and the tenderness. Something was wrong.

When another thing struck him like bolt - she had suddenly become vulnerable to his words. Usually she used to fire back, he had refused for marriage thrice, yet she barely stepped down.

But this time she took a corner and cried - so unlike her.

Arjun had every inch of her form memorised and imprinted within him - the slightest of change and he would be the first to notice it… her abdomen felt…

She was different.

Sakshi’s eyes opened when she felt his hands tracing a specific area. For a moment she had been lost in seamless pleasure but now the worry etched on his face alarmed her.

Arjun saw her open eyes and took her near the mirror, she tried to wrap the sheet around her but he tied it on her waist, switching on the light he placed her in front of the desk.

“Sakshi… yeh kya hai?” he asked while tracing the blue veins on her soft chest. On looking at the mirror Sakshi gasped, were her suspicions right?

“Sakshi… why has this turned darker?” Arjun asked, almost shocked… he had once loved her in light so he knew her colour, smell - everything. Sakshi found herself at a loss of words finding her areola turned into a darker shade of rose brown.

Sakshi closed her eyes and  hugged Arjun tight… they had never spoken so intimately before. Sensing her discomfort he dimmed the lights instantly. Everything was giving him a bad indication - her moodiness, sobs, development of veins, darkening of areolas… oh sh*t.

“Sakshi…” Arjun started but silenced looking at the way she held on to him. Of course he had never touched her so intimately in front of a mirror.

“Sakshi did you ever miss your pills?” he looked into her eyes and then Sakshi eyes widened.

Sakshi too caught a whiff of his thoughts… she ran into the washroom. She opened the medical kit and looked at the pills - only one was supposed to be remaining but there were four.

Her face whitened while Arjun knocked the door “a minute…” she mumbled… shocked.

She took out a small kit, from the past month she had had hunches but she never ended up taking the test out of tension.

Arjun waited impatiently in front of the door, he had changed into his usual house clothes when a white faced Sakshi came out.

Her face marked everything. “I missed three pills…” she mumbled and he looked at her face in shock.

“Sakshi… what is that white thing?” he asked for the little strip in her hand.

She clenched the test tightly in her hand… “Arjun… am sorry… I...I really don’t know… kaise..” Sakshi started to hiccup…

She was appalled at her own cries, but she couldn’t lose him - not at any cost.

“No…” he muttered, his eyes holding a distant look and he snatched the strip.

There were two bright pink lines - 4-6 weeks pregnant.

Sakshi was expecting!

Arjun’s face drained out of blood on holding the strip. Sakshi was equally pale. “Am sorry…” Sakshi’s voice croaked out…

“HOW!” he yelled… and silenced recalling last month…

“Arj…” she held on to his hand and stumbled back, her fear breaking loose as he yelled a curse and said “NO!”

Before her teary eyes he stormed out of his house, leaving Sakshi alone in the dark house.

~*~

“Uh…” Sakshi blinked hard and shook her head. She wiped away the tear stains from her cheeks. “Arjun?” her shaky voice echoed through the messed bedroom.

She got up immediately, fighting off the wave of nausea. Slipping into formidable clothes she walks into the living room “Jun?” she calls out to be greeted with silence. Fear instilled her heart, had he left her? But then what was her mistake? Why did he leave her? Didn’t he know that she couldn’t live without him? Did he believe he was an incapable father? Is that the reason why he fears a family? That his anger might turn him into his dad?

She could never understand Arjun… his anger was a very concealed matter - only his close ETF team and she got to see it, as a cop he was flawless, thus to the department Arjun’s anger was an unknown fact. Tears dropped off her cheeks on her incapability in calming him. She would die without her Arjun… did he know that?

Sakshi closed her eyes and slumped on the couch, sobbing uncontrollably. She had failed to strengthen himself… she had failed to make him believe in their love, she had failed as a wife and lover.

She rubbed her tears and drunk a little water, fury ate through her system as she recalled his reactions yet she couldn’t bring it on to herself to make her angry. The only thing she could do is call up Ayesha…

~*~

“Sam… uthao…” A sleepy Ayesha poked in Sameer’s ribs. “Uh… tum uthao…” a groggy Sameer replied back. The shrill ringtone kept on disturbing the couple…

Sameer threw the comforter aside, cursing yet half smiling as his lazy Ayesha cuddled him tighter. “Damn it!” his mouth was muffled with Ayesha’s palm. “Shut up! Can’t you start a day without damn it… time kya hai?” Ayesha groggily picked up her phone across Sameer.

“Wah, pehle nahi le sakti thi, mujhe jaga kar mere upar trek karke araam se phone le lia! It’s 3:45 at the morning.” Sameer yawned and curled into Ayesha’s snug embrace. “Damn It! It’s Sash!” Ayesha mumbled which got Sameer to his full senses. “Damn..” Sameer cursed and looked on anticipatedly.

“Haan Sash… bol… sorry was sleeping…” Ayesha answered while she heard a few muddled words. Sameer curled his palms to ask what’s the matter. Ayesha tucked the blanket under her arms and frowned. “What sorry! You can call me anytime! Sam aur main kabhi mind nahi karenge! Bata na kya hua? Wait… Arjun! Sash tu theek hai na?” Ayesha asked.

Sameer who was still half asleep shot up with the mention of Arjun. “What the hell! Sash please don’t cry yaar… Sash.. tu ruk main aur Sam abhi aate hai…” Ayesha kept her phone aside and pulled on her robe.

Sameer too put on a jacket and trousers.

“Kya hua?” Sameer asked as they drove to Arjun’s house. “Don’t know Sam… she was crying and said ki sorry… disturb kiya and shit, but I know ki something is wrong…” Ayesha muttered, pulling the warm sweater tighter against herself. Mumbai had certainly turned cold!

The couple knocked on the door to find a distraught Sakshi open it. Her hair was messed up and the dress she was wearing was certainly put on a haste. Sameer and Ayesha frowned looking at the tiny little marks on Sakshi which did reveal that she and Arjun were supposed to be having a healthy relation.

Oh wait… it meant Arjun was angry…

“Aane ki zaroorat nahi…” Sakshi was interrupted by a warm hug from her two besties. “Are you kidding me! Acha hua darwaza khola, warna Sam se darwaza tod ke andar aate, now tell me where is Arjun… aaj toh uska thikaana lagaa ke rakhungi!” Ayesha grumbled when Sakshi nodded negatively.

“He walked out of the house…” Sakshi curled up on the couch. Sameer sat beside her and patted her head. “Sakshi… kya hua? You’re the last person that Rawte would show his back to…” Sameer mumbled when his hands froze.

First of all Sakshi was freezing and second he noticed a broken glass and alcohol bottle in the living room. He noticed Sakshi cuddling the little pillow. “Sakshi! What happened? Rawte kyun pee raha tha? He barely drinks… that too if he is…”

“Very upset…” Sakshi murmured. Ayesha glared at her husband for the rapid fire of questions. “Oh Lord you are freezing!” Ayesha hugged Sakshi tighter and coaxed the answers out of Sakshi.

In a brief Sakshi recalled of Arjun saying that he is worthless and that he shouldn’t be the one for Sakshi - which soon led to sweet kisses but then…

“Then?” Ayesha prodded. “He noticed that I was different…” Sakshi stifled a sob and cracked her knuckles. “Different?” Ayesha muttered and looked at the pale look on Sakshi’s face.

“He understood that I am pregnant…” Sakshi muttered.

“WHAT!” Sameer and Ayesha squealed. However they immediately showered her with hugs unlike her husband when Sameer froze instantly “What did Arjun say?”

He remembered Arjun’s jittery moments before Roshni.

“I love Rosh a lot… par Sam… kya main nibha pavunga? What about children? What if I can’t protect her? I am scared Sam…” Arjun was about to take a drink when Sameer stopped him.

“It’s your wedding today Arjun and brother… calm down. Just because Uncle was like that, it doesn’t mean you would turn horrendous. Don’t worry about family or your kids… and haan… actually you do have a reason to worry…” Sameer cracked his knuckles.

“Kya?” Arjun’s brows knitted and he gulped.

“Agar saare bacche tujhpe gaye toh bechari Rosh idhar udhar ghumte ghumte thak jayegi!”Sameer laughed to be pushed by Arjun.

“You are pathetic! Saale! Teri shadi hone de phir dekh main kaise band bajaata hoon!” Arjun laughed and mercilessly kicked Sameer…

“Sam?” Ayesha nudged at a lost Sameer “Uh...haan Ash.” he muttered and helped himself with a glass of water. “Sakshi… umm woh kitchen kaha?” Sameer asked while Ayesha got up to help him.

Sakshi huddled herself in the corner of the sofa, her fingertips pressing on to the barely visible swell in her stomach. Her eyes closed and a fresh trickle of tears followed. She was ripe with their child, a manifestation of their love. How could he throw it away? Did he never want a part of him inside her?

She buried her face in the pillow, attempting to remember his gentle embrace. Just a few moments ago wasn’t he nuzzling where the symbol of their love lay? Sakshi knew it a month before, that something was wrong… but she decided against taking the test.

She knew if a child comes it would be either Arjun or the baby. Thus she decided to ignore the fact. But it didn’t come of any use did it?

It was true, a warm cute loving part of him nestled in her womb. What did she imagine? Arjun to carry her in his arms and profess his happiness? That he would whisper sweet nothings to their baby, to their son?

She knew it was a boy, her instincts told so. He would be a perfect replication of his father, physically then.

Sakshi couldn’t help but smile recalling a little Arjun walking around.

“Baba!” a little toddler Arjun 2 would snuggle in her arms as Arjun 1 would wound his arms around his perfect family, a loving wife and a cute little son.

Those were just fantasies. Pure fantasies.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Sam?” Ayesha’s voice croaked looking at a lost Sakshi.

“Mujhe iss baat ki darr tha Ashu… Arjun ko sambhalte sambhalte kahi Sakshi khud ko na kamzor bana de… if you ask me he should be taken to a doctor. I mean look at her Ayesha! She is broken! I mean pregnancy pe aisi reaction… their child could die out of this grief!” Sameer banged his hand on the table while Ayesha covered his mouth with her palm.

“Please, wish well… aise mat  bolo… let’s go to Sakshi…” AYesha walked while Sameer shook his head disapprovingly.

To their surprise they found Sakshi setting up living room “Guys, der ho chuki hai, tum log yahi so jao, kal subah der se utho, Sunday right? Main kuch khaana laga deti hoon. SOrry for this mess ya!” Sakshi smiled and started to clean up.

“Sakshi! Stop faking it… humse kuch chupane ya sharmindagi mehsoon karne ki zaroorat nahi!” Sameer cupped her cheeks while Sakshi bit her lips. She didn’t want a feel of being a weakling. However the fatherly touch from Sakshi made her lose her composure and she started sobbing.

“Mujhe Arjun se baat karni hai… please..” She croaked out while Ayesha engulfed her into a hug.

“Shush Saki! You are a brave girl na, and nanna munna baby would also be scared na. Arjun ko bas jhatka laga hai… don’t worry!” Ayesha calmed her while Sakshi clung on to Ayesha like a little baby.

At such a tender stage of life all she wanted was a little care and love. Most of all she wanted her Arjun. Her love.

After three tries Sameer got through Arjun.

“Hello?” a gruff voice spoke.

“Rathore here… you need to speak to Sakshi.” Sameer started to be shut by Arjun.

“Shut up Rawte! She is crying… if you love her just speak to her, once!” Sameer yelled on the phone - quieting Arjun.

As Sameer passed his cell phone Sakshi held on to it as if her life depended on it.

“Hello… Arjun… baby?” her shaky voice spoke.

“S...?”

PART 2

“Please, jaan please gussa mat ho… you know na how much I love you. See don’t worry, hum sab kuch sambhal lenge Arjun! Everything! You weren’t sure about marriage na? But see… hum ek saath kitne khush hai!” Sakshi yapped continuously, wiping the tears off her face.

Arjun took in a deep breath, he doesn’t deserve this… he was final on that “Kaha khush hai Sakshi? I am a damned obsessive insecure husband, tum hi ho jo iss shadi ko sambhal rahi ho.” he sighed.

Sakshi stilled and took a little breath “You hate me na Jun?” she whispered.

Arjun’s eyes flared open. If things went his way then the phone would have been crushed “Never, I love you!” he almost yelled at the other end.

“So do I baby, then please let us make this work, my little baccha is nothing but a gift from you! He is a part of you Arjun! Trust me you will be a fantastic dad. Aur jo bhi ho… ghar toh aa jao na… please…” Sakshi cried over the phone.

Arjun fisted his palms, why couldn’t she ever understand? “No Sakshi, that isn’t happening. It’s either me or your baby… tum samajti kyun nahi ho! I am not ready for a family! Main ghar nahi basa pavunga!” his voice was as cold as ice.

Sakshi gulped, on one side it was her dearest husband, on the other a part of her flesh. “Arjun, please don’t…” she sighed softly. “Sorry Sakshi, it’s not happening…” his voice choked at the other end.

“You can have the baby Sakshi… but I…” would not be with you then… Sakshi gasped as she understood the rest of the sentence. “I can’t live without you Arjun… kuch bhi kar sakti hoon… kuch bhi…” She wiped her tears. “I love you baby, you are my world…” she sobbed again while Sameer gently took the phone from her hand.

It hadn’t taken rocket science for Sameer and Ayesha to understand what took place in the conversation.

“Rawte, I need to friggin speak to you. Like now… face to face. Where are you?” he snapped. “Rathore I am too tired of lectures.” Arjun sighed “Just shut up Arjun, neither am I interested in giving lectures. Just milna tha tujhse… aur haan, I won’t bring your emotional mess with me.” Sameer crunched at his words at Sakshi, he knew Rawte was fuming from the other side to have called Sakshi an emotional mess… but he kept quiet.

A few minutes later, a beep on Sameer’s phone had the address in it. Sakshi had dozed off on Ayesha’s lap as Ayesha lulled her to sleep as if she was her own baby.

“Sam if I have a kid…” her words were stopped by a warm, firm kiss on her mouth. “I will love you more Ash… never doubt on that…” Sameer smiled and wiped off Ayesha’s tears. He carried Sakshi to the bedroom. “Tum uske saath raho, I’ll go and shove some brains in that peanut sized head of his.” Sameer gritted.

“Ssh… no babu…” Ayesha cupped his cheeks. “No gussa babu, tum dono gussa karoge and instead of any good thing the only thing that will happen is fighting. Promise karo that everything will be fine. Promise that tum apne gusse ko shanti main rakhoge no matter how much of a jerk Arjun is… promise me…” Ayesha tugged his chin to her direction. With a not so happy face Sameer sighed and nodded.

Ayesha hugged him before he left and sat next to Sakshi, humming an old lullaby.

~*~

“I can’t live without you Arjun… kuch bhi kar sakti hoon… kuch bhi…” Sakshi stumbled towards Arjun, holding on to the lapels of his jacket.

“Sakshi?” Arjun held her tight. Since when had she become so weak… since when had he become so strong. He looked at her tear stricken face and wished to bring back the happiness. “Oh baby, yeh kya kar dia hai tumne Sashu?” he held her cheeks while she broke into sobs.

“I can’t live without you Jun! Please…” she hugged him tightly and he hugged her back.

Arjun slipped off his chair and broke out of his nightmare. He had landed to this random lodge few hours back. His fingernails impatiently chipped at the wicker chair he was sitting on.

Sameer told him that he shall be arriving soon, but how would he be able to explain that fathering a child is so fearful for him?

It’s easy for the world to tell him that it’s easy to love your wife and harbour a child… but what if it’s scary?

Arjun trembled and sweat broke across his forehead, he repeatedly washed his face with cold water and took a look at his haggard face on the mirror, to his horror a ghastly Arjun smiled back.

“How are you going to behave with your child? Your baby? Haha!” The man who looked so similar to Arjun laughed haughtily and flipped back his slick black hair.

“Bb… bb.. but Sakshi wants the baby and I love her…” Arjun whispered the few words.

“Sakshi  DOESN’T deserve a ruthless man like you! You only f*** her day and night, whenever I need her, don’t you think that poor thing needed something better?” The  man shrugged his shoulders as Arjun slunk away.

“No! I.. ll.. love her!” Arjun protested weakly “You do?” The man raised an eyebrow “I do! She loves me too, she cares for me, holds me when I fall. She nurtures me and protects me. I love her, she is mine… not yours!” Arjun cried out.

“Agreed! But tell me, how would it feel to suddenly get lost of the care and love she showers on you?” The man toasted a glass of Scotch to Arjun. For Arjun that question destroyed him that minute “Never.” Arjun answered.

“Good confidence Arjun, but am afraid… once the baby comes - Sakshi will forget you. For her it will be the baby who’s the most important person in her life. You won’t be her priority anymore.” The man who seemed so much like Arjun clicked his tongue while Arjun sagged against the basin “Nahi..” Arjun shook his head.

“Sakshi loves me, I will remain as her first priority!Why will she forget me for her first baby?” Arjun asked the man. “Don’t you realise you aren’t anymore her first priority? She wants you to adjust, her baby is already her first priority. For a mother their child is the most important, not the husband! Remember how your father was ignored?”

“I don’t care about that man! He was ignored or not, it makes no difference!” Arjun retorted. “What would happen to you if Sakshi ignored you! Your love, your heart… your Sakshi not speaking to you?” The man frowned and put on a cry expression.

Arjun gulped and shook his head vigorously “Never! She won’t and can’t…” Arjun’s lips quivered around those words as if they were a sacred hymn.

“What if someone convinces her to not speak to you?”  the man asked “I’ll kill that person.”

“What if it’s someone you know” “Even then.”

“What if it’s someone you both know?” “Even then!” Arjun barked.

“What if it’s someone very close to you?” “Even THEN!” Arjun threw away the toiletries.

“What if it’s your child?” “EVEN THEN!” Arjun punched and shattered the mirror into several pieces. He slumped on the floor as his words dawned in his mind.

The menacing Arjun laughed amidst the broken pieces of the mirror “You would kill your child too? You’re no different… no different than Suryakant…” the man laughed as Arjun shivered.

Kill his child?

“You’re incapable, as incapable as me in being a father…” the Arjun in the mirror transformed to a man whom he was petrified of in the past…

His father.

~*~

“NO!” Arjun screamed and buckled on his knees.

“You would torture your child… you will torture your and Sakshi’s creation… proud of you… beta!” Suryakant laughed in the mirror while Arjun stomped on the broken pieces.

“No, I can’t harm my baby… I won’t let any baby come in this world! Hear that! I won’t be like you, it’ll only be Sakshi and I, only us. No baby, no pain… no future Arjun!” Arjun screamed in the mirror and turned aside to find a pale faced Sameer.

“Arjun?” Sameer’s voice croaked while Arjun slammed his fist and the wall and groped air “See this man, Suryakant, I’ll punch him and kill him. He says I’ll torture my baby! Never! I won’t let my baby come in this world! What if I hit my baby?” Arjun kept his bleeding hand on his head.

“Sam! Bol na! What if in anger I burn my little one?” Arjun teared up as he removed his shirt and traced the burn scar on his bicep and chest. “Sam…” Arjun quivered “What if… what if in anger I hit my baby so hard that he breaks a bone? What if I take out my anger on his little cherub form? And what if it’s a princess? What if I hit a replica of my love? A replica of my Sakshi? No SAM! I’ll end up killing my own child!” Arjun screamed and collapsed on the floor as a white faced Sameer stared at the man in front.

~*~

Sameer’s hands were ice cold as he gripped the leather of his steering wheel. He wiped the cold sweat that broke on his forehead and took a deep breath.

He was on his way to his old friend - Dr. Shubraneel Roy, a renowned psychologist in Mumbai - fondly called as Neel by his close friends. Sameer had first met Dr. Roy to get Arjun rid of his anxiety regarding marriage, with Roshni.

When Sameer watched the quivering form of Arjun who was talking and fighting with himself Sameer knew that Arjun needed help.

“I am not going to a Doctor! I am completely fine!” Arjun grumbled in his seat while Sameer lied “Arjun, we’re going to see a gynaecologist, we have to talk about Sakshi’s abortion.”

“Oh, then why isn’t Sakshi here?” Arjun asked “Ayesha’s bringing her to the hospital.” Sameer lied.

“Oh.” Arjun said, then he frowned “Wait, why are we in Neel’s hospital?” “Arjun, he recommended me about a good gynaecologist here - who is his friend as well. You see, I even have an appointment with him for Sakshi. She will need counselling before and after the abortion, you see - it’s she who would be bearing the pain.” Sameer said softly.

Arjun dug his fingers on the seat of the car and turned to Sameer “Abortion won’t hurt her na? She’ll be fine, right? And it won’t damage her internal organs na?” “As far as physical side effects of abortion is concerned she should be fine.”

Arjun looked at Sameer and then back at his bandaged hands, he played with a loose thread from the gauze and asked “She won’t hate me right? I love her… a lot.” he whispered while Sameer’s throat choked with clogged emotions. Hadn’t he known how vulnerable Arjun was? Yet…

Sameer breathed deeply to find Arjun dozed off, it had been a tiring day indeed. “We’re at the hospital. Why don’t you wait at the reception while I have a chat regarding the appointment?” Sameer took Arjun’s no response as a yes and headed towards the receptionist while Arjun relaxed on the chair.

Abortion… the word hurt him for he felt it would hurt Sakshi. If only Sakshi would reassure him everything’s fine, like always.

~*~

Sakshi woke to hushed voices of Ayesha asking her to get up, she was shocked to find herself sleeping till 9.

“Arjun’s calling you.” Ayesha said to find Sakshi crawl over and grab her phone instantly.

“Baby” “Love” both said instantly to follow a few seconds of relief on hearing each other.

“Baby, are you fine now? You aren’t angry na? Please tell me?” Sakshi pleaded as Arjun said “I am alright, but Sakshi tell me… do you love me?”

“I do, with all my heart.” Sakshi clutched on her cell and smiled at Ayesha who left for office, giving Sakshi the much needed privacy.

“Why can’t we be happy, just the two of us? Why a baby? Is my love so less for you that you need another person in the family? I know I am not perfect… but I promise I’ll do anything you want… but let us remain just as the two of us!” Arjun almost cried out on the phone while Sakshi shook at the meaning of his words.

“Love you, will meet you soon. Please don’t be scared for the operation, I will speak to the doctor regarding whatever issues it may create. I love you and the only person you’ll ever love is me!” Arjun almost shouted the last few words and shoved his phone in his pocket and walked towards Sameer who motioned him to come.

Sakshi frowned at the word operation and read Sameer’s text message and realised that Arjun had been taken to a clinic under the pretext of her abortion. Sameer didn’t speak about the psychologist bit, rather he spoke of Arjun’s injured knuckles which needed a touch up.

Sakshi shook at her husband’s insistence of an… abortion.

She felt deluded at this moment. She’d known what she had been heading for after this marriage.

She wiped off her tears with the back of her wrist and read the twenty sms her husband sent. Each stating ‘I love you my wife’. Sakshi pressed a kiss to his image on her phone. Her destiny had been sealed.

~*~

“Good morning Arjun, how’s life going?” Shubraneel smiled at a nervous looking Arjun. “Hmm.. good. Sameer, where’s Sakshi?” Arjun roared as Shubraneel coughed “She’s on her way.”

He nodded stiffly and folded his arms “Are you sure Arjun?”

“About what?” Arjun barked at Neel “About killing your baby?”

Arjun’s posture stiffened at the question “I am not hurting Sakshi!” he growled while Neel sighed. “Arjun, calm down… tell me gently what’s the matter… write it down.”

“I am FINE Neel!” Arjun pressed his temples while Neel sighed. “I know you are fine Arjun but to convince Sakshi that abortion is the perfect thing right now I need to know why you feel the same about abortion!” Neel said gently.

Arjun sighed and his vulnerability showed up “Neel, the only thing I can do in being a good father is killing my baby before he or she comes in this world before I end up killing him/her.”

Neel placed a hand on Arjun’s and sighed “You feel you will damage your own child because your father did the same to you.”

“I have his blood in my veins. I have some bloo*y thing in my veins.” Arjun rubbed the tender skin near his wrists, pressing them to a merciless red. “You also have your mother’s blood in you.” Neel almost whispered.

“Don’t even talk about that fu***** woman who could leave her husband and child for f****** other men.” Arjun growled “Will you leave Sakshi to… in your words, f*** other women?” Neel asked to get his answer by Arjun’s murderous glare.

“Before you answer. You do have your mother’s blood yet you have been as loyal as a wolf to your Sakshi. How come your mother’s nature is not reflected in you?” Neel asked gently at a confused Arjun.

“But...bb...but I do harm Sakshi.” his dejected voice gave hope to Neel. Arjun was at least considering what was being told. “How can you hurt your loved one Arjun?” Neel patted Arjun’s back.

“I do hurt her. In ev.. very manner. I haven’t gifted her the wedding she deserved. A wedding night must be one with candles and so much of love. I haven’t given her anything. No honeymoon, no gifts… no nothing. Nothing at all.” Arjun broke down while Sameer hugged him.

“What holds you back from everything Arjun? What’s the fear in you?” Neel prodded on for answers as Arjun looked at him blankly. “I don’t know. There’s this fear of me losing her. I am not perfect enough for her. I feel and know every second that she should get married to another man.” Arjun rested his head against the cool metal table.

Neel adjusted his spectacles and sat next to Arjun. “How can you guarantee that the next man is good for her?”

“I’ll make sure! Read his records… he won’t be an addict or anything of sort…” “Arjun WAIT!” Neel barked “Not being an addict doesn’t guarantee anything! How would you know whether or not her in laws would pressurise on her? How would you know or not whether her husband would impose her on his bed? How would you know or not he would beat her or just not let her work! How would you know if he gives her freedom or not? How would you know if his love for Sakshi ceases in a few years and she gets tagged as a simple housewife? How do you know if she would end up being a trophy wife for someone?” Neel asked as Arjun gulped.

“Arjun, apart from you there’s no one who can guarantee the security and love that Sakshi already has from you.” Neel hesitantly looked at Arjun, hoping he would understand what he tried to convey.

“Bring him tomorrow…” Neel mouthed at Sameer who blinked in agreement.

“Think about what I said Arjun…” Neel hugged Arjun before he left. “Why are we leaving… what about Sakshi?” Arjun asked while Sameer and Neel looked at each other.

“Woh.. she just recovered from a bullet injury right? So until she completely recovers, abortion wouldn’t be a great option for her safety, probably three four days later.” Neel smiled as Arjun murmured “Oh… fine.”

“Ghar?” Sameer asked while Arjun stayed mum. “Arjun?” “Hotel…” Arjun said while Sameer rolled his eyes and grumbled. “I’ll stay with you then.”

“I don’t need you.” Arjun snapped back.

“I’ll stay in the room next to yours. Happy?” Sameer barked while Arjun looked aside tentatively and gave a nod.

~*~

“I love you baby.”  15:01

“Baby are you fine? I really love you a lot.” 15:02

“You mean the world for me love… trust me on that.” 15: 02

“Arjun, remember there’s nothing in this world more precious to me than you.” 15:03

“Love?” 15:05

“Listen babu you are everything for me, I breathe and live for you.” 15:10

“I love you Arjun.” 15:23

“Arjun you are my hero, always.” 15:40

“I won’t question your love for me… I know you love me too…” 15:57

“Arjun, come back home baby. I love you.” 16:01

For one hour the only thing that Arjun did was stare at the messages on his phone, not replying to anything.

How could she still love him?

He stared at his phone, looking at her name vibrate on his phone, yet he couldn’t accept the call.

A sense of guilt filled him, even though he wasn’t completely resistance to the idea of a child - yet he felt a sort of uneasiness amidst the scenario.

After three hours of Sakshi trying to connect to him did Arjun pick up her phone and heard her gasp of relief.

“Arjun… love are you fine?” she almost cried on the phone while Arjun almost whispered “Are you angry at me? Am I forcing you for abortion? Am I a bad husband? Do you want someone apart from me?”

Sakshi stared at her phone in disbelief; did she fail as a wife?

“I have always loved you and I tried my level best.” her voice croaked through the phone and Arjun closed his eyes and sighed.

“You are a good husband Arjun. I would rather die than think of anyone else apart from you.” Sakshi wiped aside her tears and spoke.

Arjun tucked a pillow close to his heart and pleaded “Tell me you love me Sakshi. Please”

Sakshi closed her eyes and rested her head against the headboard of their bed “I love you Arjun. I love you…” she whispered.

“We can sail through this right? We can be together na?” Arjun asked while Sakshi smiled at the other end of the phone “There’s no doubt about that.”

“I love you Sakshi. We both are enough for the eternity.” Arjun’s voice quivered as he hinted at them being on their own.

Tears trickled down her cheeks as she caught on his meaning “I love you baby.” her voice trembled and she cut the call.

She read the message from Sameer.

“Saki, don’t worry dear. Everything will be perfect! He’s gone to Neel and I assure you everything will be fine. Take care.

Love - Sam.”

Sakshi sighed and stared at the ceiling.

If only this problem hadn’t occurred at all.

~*~

It had been three days since Arjun had been ‘coincidentally’ meeting Neel and spending hours along with him.

“I can’t have this child…” Arjun put his head in his hand. Sameer kicked a chair in anger and left the cabin, unaware of the amount of pain Arjun felt on being ignored and hated.

“Pray why… tell me again why!” Neel sat next to Arjun, keeping immense patience and hope.

“I’ll hurt my kid. I am assured of it. If you put a baby in my arms I’ll hurt it.” Arjun muttered and pressed his temples.

Neel noticed Arjun, it almost seemed as if he convinced himself to hurt his child. He had seen the other few personalities of Arjun - be it his father or a version of himself modelled on his father.

The three knew each other and the other two weren’t strong enough to exactly create a personality. They were his ways of venting out.

The other two were never a part of his reality - else Sakshi wouldn’t have been alive.

It was time that Arjun got a reality check and understood what he told himself and what was the reality.

“Come with me.” Neel held Arjun’s elbow and took him to the nursery. Arjun stepped back to see the row of infants sleeping or quaking slightly.

“Come!” Neel stated and asked Arjun to sit on a chair. Neel had already spoken to the doctor on call and the nurses regarding his ‘experiment’.

Neel gently picked up a wailing newborn and held it in front of Arjun.

“Hold her, she’s two days old.” Neel said while Arjun’s eyes widened “What! WHAT’s WRONG WITH YOU! I can’t hold her! Damn no!” Arjun hissed while Neel quirked an eyebrow.

“Fine, let the child drop. I seriously will drop her.” Neel pointed out while Arjun’s face paled “You are kidding! You don’t mean it damn it!” Arjun growled while Neel loosened his hold.

Arjun’s heart stopped when Neel loosened his grip on the tiny infant. Out of reflex Arjun held on to the little tiny tot while Neel easily handed the baby over to Arjun.

Arjun stared at the little pink bundle in his arms who squirmed and licked his finger. Arjun looked in wonderment - how could somebody be so tiny, pink and chubby? He handled the little cherub baby with extreme caution and poked her fluffy cheeks gently.

He couldn’t help smiling when the tiny angel giggled and squealed. Tears welled up his eyes as he could hold on to a baby.

“Hurt her…” Neel’s icy voice startled Arjun “What?” he asked Neel with disbelief.

“I said hurt the baby.” Neel said while a horrified Arjun gasped “What is wrong with you Neel!”

“Nothing..” Neel handed him a scissor “Cut her flesh, hurt her and destroy her.”

“Shut up Neel!” Arjun snuggled the baby into him, protectively.

“Well if you can’t hurt the child then I shall!” Neel roared and tried to snatch the child. Arjun kicked Neel back and hugged the baby against his chest. “What’s WRONG with you!” Arjun shouted while the baby in his arms began to cry.

Arjun looked around helplessly to shush the baby and called out to the other doctors.

“Hush angel… hush angel…” Arjun whispered and cooed to the little infant. The baby gurgled when Arjun nuzzled her slightly.

“Arjun?” Neel looked at Arjun who shot back an angry glare.

“This child is not even yours, yet you protected her like your own baby. Tell me now, can you really hurt your own child? Look at the baby in your arms and ask yourself!” Neel said while Arjun looked at the baby in confusion.

“I can’t…” Arjun replied after a few minutes.

Neel slumped on his chair in defeat while Sameer (who had been watching this from outside) cursed.

“I can’t hurt my child.” Arjun confessed softly while an overjoyed Neel shot up in joy.

The nurse gently took the infant and put her back in the cradle while Neel sat next to Arjun. “You know what’s been your problem Arjun?”

Arjun raised his eyebrows for an answer “That you convince yourself of doing things that in reality you never can. Why Arjun? You can’t hurt a kid, jo tera hai hi nahi! Tu sach bol tu kya tere bacche ko maar sakta hai?”

Neel guided Arjun back to his cabin while Arjun tapped on the glass window panes.

I am not good enough… these few words resonated in his mind. Sameer sat on the couch as a silent spectator while Neel peered closely at Arjun.

The slumped shoulders, upturned corners of his lips, his arms hugging himself. Neel figured out insecurity and low moral esteem.

“Why do you feel so low about yourself Arjun?” Neel asked and Arjun looked back “I have known you since a long time Arjun. Since a very long time. Why do you take those words that damned father of yours told you. He wasn’t worth it.” Neel hugged Arjun tightly and shook him up.

“I was a CHILD damn it! I wanted love, appreciation… I craved for abundant joy. Someone to nourish and cherish me. I was made to believe I am not worth anything! For seventeen years Neel! Satra saal main sala koi tujhe roz kutta bole toh tu khudko kutta samajhna main majboor ho jayega!” Arjun banged his fist into the wall.

“After I grew up the only way I could protect myself was to fiercely believe that I am bad, I am not worth anything. I know I won’t do anything like that f****** Surya yet I convinced myself that I am bad. Taaki kisiko mauka na mile mujhe kuch aur bura bolne ke liye! I will commit suicide if a person I love tells something bad about me. I don’t have anymore courage. Log maa ke paas jaate hai shant ke liye par saala meri maa toh mujhe hi chor ke bhaag gayi.” Arjun cried out and collapsed on the chair.

Sameer’s throat got choked as he heard his friend’s frustration and felt guilt at not being with his friend when he needed the most. He had isolated himself after the death of his cousin - Roshni. Why hadn’t he tried to think otherwise?

“Arjun… brother, tell me who is the closest in your life now.” Neel asked “Sakshi.” Arjun replied.

“Did Sakshi ever hurt you?” Neel asked

“Never…” Arjun said.

“Did she ever insult you?”

“Never.”

“Did she ever tell that she loves you?”

“Always.”

“Tell me Arjun has Sakshi ever done anything to make you feel insecure, not loved, low… terrible?” Neel asked and within a second Arjun replied “Not even once…”

“Then why are you so low with her Arjun?” “I don’t know Neel… I feel as if she deserves more. I feel as if…”

“As if it’s sympathy that’s why she’s with you?” Neel completed while Arjun nodded.

“Arjun tell me if it makes sense, from making food for you till being at bed with you she’s doing everything for sympathy?” Neel asked and smiled when Arjun himself felt stupid at his questions.

“Exactly, she loves you and the only reason she loves the baby is because the baby symbolizes a wonderful part of you and her. Whenever she touches your baby she always reminisce the sweet moments that led to the creation. The baby is nothing but the symbol of your two’s intimacies and abundant love. It came from you Arjun. If you weren’t there… the child wouldn’t have been there. You gave a part of yourself to Sakshi and she added her own part. If you both ever wanted your love to be real it would be in the form of the bonny prince or a cherubic angel.” Neel took a deep breath after his long speech and smiled at the water shining in his eyes.

“I… I.. dd.. didn’t celebrate our baby coming…” Arjun croaked as Neel smiled. “And before you again think that you haven’t done enough for her let me say that there is time Arjun. During this lovely phase when you both harness your love you can complete every wish for her that you think you haven’t done. Sakshi isn’t doing any favour. She loves you - as simple as that.” a broad smile adorned Neel’s face as hope filled Arjun.

“I cc. can do evv.. everything I want for Sakshi?” “Exactly my friend!” Neel smiled.

“Didn’t go for a honeymoon, excellent - now’s the perfect time to go for Babymoon! It’s the time to relax and be with your wife. And I am giving this advice after my three children!” Neel laughed while Arjun smiled a little.

The voices of Suryakant and that man never disappeared but for now Arjun realised what he really felt.

Till now Sakshi took every step in their marriage - couldn’t he take one?

~*~

“Ayeshu you won’t believe! Neel has worked his magi.. Ashu?”

“Sam… Sakshi is very quiet, she just goes out for long walks… and for the past two days she’s just sitting and staring at the ceiling. She doesn’t speak to me and tears are always present on her face. I am scared Sam.” Ayesha’s worried voice from the other end rubbed away the smiles from Neel and Sameer’s face.

“We haven’t given a thought that what pain is Sakshi is going through.” Sameer sighed.

“Ayesh, Neel here. Listen, I will soon speak to Sakshi - this woman has been very strong for her husband. It’s natural for her to be low now as she felt sad. Just keep on giving her food time to time as she’s in her phase.” Ayesha hummed a yes in response and cut the call.

“Neel, after all this I finally see a glimmer of hope for Arjun.” Sameer smiled as Neel frowned and nodded.

“Waise Neel, thanks for accompanying us for baby shopping.” Sameer smiled while Neel gave a “Why thank you!” look.

Arjun gingerly ran his fingers over the tiny bottles, feeders, clothes. He smiled at the maternity gowns he got for Sakshi.

Neel was right… at least he could try.

~*~

Sakshi chewed the piece of bread mechanically as a concerned Ayesha patted her head. “Ayesha you can leave.” she said gently while Ayesha took a breath.

“I won’t… now chup chap eat! Else what’ll happen to our prince or princess?” Ayesha quietened as tears filled Sakshi’s eyes.

Ayesha hugged her tightly as Sakshi broke down “Don’t worry Sakshi, Sameer told me that Arjun will listen. You both will be happy with your family.”

“I love him a lot Ayesha…” Sakshi cried and hugged her tighter “I know you do dear.” “I love him a lot to do anything for him… if only he.”

Ayesha rubbed of Sakshi’s tears and cupped Sakshi’s cheeks “He loves you a lot. It’s just taking him some time to get into the pregnancy acceptance but trust me he will come round.”

“And I promise you all will be happy forever.” Ayesha soothed Sakshi and sighed as Sakshi sat on the couch, staring at the ceiling again.

Fatigue and exhaustion had been a synonym for Sakshi, she also seemed pale and ill. Ayesha mentally noted to have a check with the gynaecologist and decided to take a day off from office.

She didn’t feel okay to only be with Sakshi early in the morning before office and late at night after her working hours.

The bell rung and Sakshi sprung up from the couch, holding on to the edge. “Arjun?” Sakshi asked as Ayesha nodded and opened the door.

A haggard Arjun stormed into living room and clasped Sakshi in his arms. “I. Am. Sorry. Love…” he punctuated his words with frequent kisses around her face.

Arjun almost cried at her hollow form and empty eyes. He kissed her pale chapped lips and begged for forgiveness.

Sameer and Ayesha gently placed the shopping bags on the couch and stood awkwardly near the door, waiting to bid their goodbye.

Arjun took a deep breath and tucked her hair behind her ears, brushing away her tears. A new fear filled him - did she stop loving him?

“Love, I got everything for our baby. Clothes, diapers, bottles, feeders. I even got maternity gowns… they will look wonderful on you.” he rummaged through the bags and put a pink gown against her shoulders, half smiling at how the colour glowed against her skin.

“Sakshi say something. I love you baby. I am sorry.” Arjun cried against her neck and hugged her frail form. He kneeled down and placed desperate kisses on her abdomen.

“I love you both.” he whispered while Sakshi hiccupped and stepped back. She hugged herself and stared at him while Arjun was broken at her gesture.

He nuzzled his face in her stomach and murmured apologies while Sakshi said “Nn.. nothing.”

Arjun blinked at her and frowned. “Nothing?” he asked.

“Tt.. there’s nothing here. You asked me right. You wanted us… only us… and I love you.” Sakshi trembled while Arjun’s eyes widened and paled.

Sameer and Ayesha were about to leave when they heard Arjun say “Love… what did you do?”

Sakshi quivered like a leaf and rasped out

“I aborted the child.”

~*~

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