Stifling Tenderness (End)

CHAPTER 16

Arjun was stiff… he held her in his arms… keeping her back on the bed he sat next to Sakshi… his fingers grazing over her knuckles…

An hour or more had passed… when Sakshi started moving a little… had Arjun’s eyes not been transfixed on Sakshi he surely would have missed it…

He immediately pressed the caller button… Nazuk came in within few seconds…

She looked at the anticipation etched on his face… “Mm… moved…” he whispered…

Nazuk checked Sakshi’s pulse and heartbeat… and to her joy… Sakshi was coming back…

“She’s coming back!” Nazuk exclaimed in joy…

Arjun clasped Sakshi’s hand gently… tears forming at the edge of his eyes… he wouldn’t have been able to bear the fact if anything would have happened to Sakshi…

After a few minutes Sakshi’s body started moving slightly… and then she opened her eyes…

Arjun looked at her dazed face… he was holding back his breath…

After blinking a little Sakshi focused her eyes on Arjun’s face… she looked at him… her face painted in confusion as he slowly caressed her forehead…

Maybe he loved their baby… that’s why he is behaving like this…

Her mind chanted to her…

She looked aside… finding Ayesha and Sameer looking at her…

A soft smile broke on her face as Ayesha almost ran towards her…

A few minutes of whispers and hugs and kisses followed..

Nazuk removed the oxygen mask of Sakshi’s… “Sakshi bete… chalo… tumhari princess ko bhook lagi hai…” she smiled…

“Doctor… bacchi ko yaha kyun nahi laa rahe ho? Sakshi iss haalat main…” Sameer asked…

“Woh… she actually has IV going on… isliye we can’t get baby here… toh Sakshi has to go…” Nazuk explained…

“What… mm.. meri bacchi… kk.. kya hua?” Sakshi asked… her face filled in with anxiety…

“Kuch nahi Sakshi… thodi choti hai na… isliye… that’s it… your baby is perfect… just like you…” Nazuk caressed her head… Sakshi frowned… yet nodded…

Arjun stood beside her… thinking as to how would Sakshi walk? Her insides had been stitched up and they were still raw…

The minute Sakshi sat straight and tried to put her feet down a mind numbing pain shot up her spine… tears sprang up her eyes… yet she was determined enough to go to see her baby…  

“Umm… doctor… is it fine if I carry her?” Arjun asked…

Sakshi looked at him in surprise… then Arjun slid his arms across her waist and shoulders and picked her up carefully… as if… she was something fragile…

Sakshi kept her head against his chest… feeling the soft thud of his heart… she closed her eyes slightly… she was too tired and exhausted to think about other things… listening to the rhythmic sound of his heart Sakshi took in a sigh of content…

~*~

“Sam…” Ayesha nudged him… the moment he looked into her eyes he knew what she was asking…

“I am happy for them…” Sameer whispered and wrapped his arm around her waist… Ayesha rested her head on his shoulder and walked…

It’s not as if the anger had evaporated immediately… but then… they knew that within a few hours… Arjun had turned into a different man…

Entwining their fingers they just wished the couple a happy future…

“But I won’t forgive him…” Ayesha whispered…

“He’s too broken to take up anything more…” Sameer answered… Ayesha bit her lips… someday she would forgive Arjun for shattering her best friend’s heart…

Someday…

~*~

“Sakshi…” Arjun called her ever so gently…

Sakshi looked up in response… his face so close to hers… a shudder ran up her spine…  

“Our baby…” he whispered and Sakshi turned aside to find the little bundle of joy wrapped in a pink blanket… she clutched his shirt in joy…

While Arjun only had eyes for Sakshi… his Sakshi… he looked at the way the skin near her eyes crinkled in joy on seeing their baby…

He sat on the couch… Sakshi’s entire body relaxing over his… Nazuk signaled the nurse that it’s fine… a soft smile appeared on her face… seeing Arjun looking at Sakshi… as if he never saw her before…

The nurse brought the little baby near her…

Tears formed in Sakshi’s eyes as she held her little baby… Arjun’s arm resting below Sakshi’s… he peered over her shoulder to watch their child…

A small cry came from the baby’s mouth… everyone smiled at that…

The nurse opened the first few buttons of Sakshi’s gown… as it was time for her baby’s first feed… Sameer walked a little away… however Ayesha stood next to Sakshi…

For Sakshi… she didn’t feel a hint of bashfulness or shyness when her bosom was exposed… nothing mattered to her… not even the fact that she was sitting on Arjun’s lap… not the fact that Arjun was able to see an intimate part of her… no….

The only thing mattered to her was when her baby placed her tiny palm on Sakshi’s soft chest… trying to feed… a soft cry of happiness came out of Sakshi’s mouth seeing her baby touch her…

The nurse guided Sakshi in placing the nipple inside her baby’s mouth…

Everyone present had a soft smile on their faces… it was one of the most purest form of love ever…

Slowly the tiny pink baby of hers latched on to her nipple… tears fell from Sakshi’s eyes as she fed her baby with milk…

Arjun was overwhelmed with emotions watching his love and his baby… he tightened the grip around Sakshi… he noticed the tiny palms of their baby’s touching Sakshi… he gently held their baby’s head as Sakshi guided her baby’s mouth…

A pleasure and joy filled in Sakshi as her little one started suckling… her tiny fists scrambling over Sakshi’s skin every now and then… her large deep brown eyes staring at the faces of her parents…

Sakshi just looked at her tiny baby… who was looking right back at her… then her head shifted a little… looking at her father… Sakshi followed her baby’s gaze and found her looking at Arjun…

And the expression on Arjun’s face was priceless… a ghost of a smile was hovering around his lips… yet his eyes were filled with joy… they were glistening in happiness…

His eyes never left his baby’s… he turned to look at Sakshi’s glowing face… slowly her baby’s eyes drooped off… and she started dozing off… even though her gums were tightly gripping the soft nipple…

Sakshi and Arjun stroked their hands through their baby’s tiny head… he placed his hand under Sakshi’s…

Ayesha couldn’t help but rub away the little tears of her face…

Soon enough her baby dozed off completely… when the nurse slowly picked up the baby… Ayesha touched her little niece’s cheeks and pecked her slightly…

“She’s beautiful…” Arjun mumbled… Sakshi nodded… “She the most beautiful thing I have ever seen…” Sakshi whispered back…

And this scene brought tears to the most daring personality, Sameer Rathore’s eyes as well…

Arjun slipped his hands under her waist and carried her back towards her room…

It is now that Sakshi gasped slightly… recalling when he had gripped her hips that night, merging them into one soul…

And that brought Sakshi back to reality… this was the same Arjun… the very same Arjun who did everything… just as pretence… just to keep his baby happy…

The smile faded from Sakshi’s face… how much she wished that he would really snuggle up to her… how much she wished that he would look at her… as if he meant the sweet words…

Unknown to her that all the time walking back to her room Arjun had just kept his gaze on her… her soft form evoked those feeling which he felt he had lost…

He could feel his love resonate louder… when she rested her head against his chest… he closed his eyes for a fraction of second to feel flitting emotions and peace fill his lungs…

He kept her on the bed… the two looked at each other… their eyes were transfixed…

Sakshi gulped… when he laid her on the bed… their breaths so close… she closed her eyes… her heart thumped against her sternum… reminding her of the night…

She opened her eyes as Arjun tucked a warm blanket over her cold body… relieved and ease swept over her…

The nurse gave her a small glass of lukewarm milk… Sakshi didn’t feel like having it… but upon persuasion she sipped a little… and to her own surprise it felt so good…

She struggled to keep her droopy eyelids open when she saw Arjun tucking a cozy pillow under her head… he sat next to her, on the bed… his fingers fondling with the little strands of her hair…  

Sakshi stifled a gasp when Arjun planted a kiss on her temple…

Her eyes bore into his… not knowing the reason behind his softness… she kept her eyes closed… not wanting to destroy this perfect moment…

He shuffled her hair a little and found her dozing off… it was the effect of the strenuous labour....

~*~

The next one week had been a slice of heaven for Sakshi. She healed faster than expected and Arjun seemed to be concerned about her as well,  but nothing apart from his fatherly love towards Ahsaas did she ever want to notice about him.

Whenever she fed her little baby she felt an immense strange fulfilment inside her. She hadn’t missed the wistful eyes of Ayesha as she stroked Ahsaas’s hair, but when Ahsaas calmed down in her aunt’s lap and gave a toothless smile to Ayesha, Sakshi smiled at the glow on Ayesha’s face.

A child’s content perhaps brought out the best in people. Due to a hectic case Sameer and Ayesha’s visits were limited but her colleagues always made a point to drop in every now and then. Chotu’s fright when Ahsaas peed on him, Shree’s scowl when she tugged on his hair and Liza’s chuckle when Ahsaas planted a wet kiss on her cheek made Sakshi smile and live again.

But nothing had stolen her heart like the moments she witnessed the father and daughter duo. Ahsaas was inseparable from Arjun, literally a daddy’s princess. No matter what the situation was she loved her daddy to be beside her. Sakshi hadn’t doubted on his love as a father, being a mother brings in a maturity than only experience and wisdom could bring about. She could notice the honest love in his eyes for Ahsaas. He little coos and sweet nothings to his baby warmed a part of Sakshi. Arjun would get extra protective whenever it would be his princess’s feeding time; just like how a lion protects his lioness when she lays with her cub.

Sakshi chuckled at herself that irrespective of what she went through, a flame still burned in her heart for the tamed man in front. Love? That perhaps wouldn’t ever come again… but a sort of affection developed for him… as the father of their child.

That’s all what Arjun ceased to be for her.

~*~

The one week had been a beautiful illusion for Arjun. His heart fluttered when Sakshi had pointed out that the upper lip of Ahsaas’s had a perfect pouty M shape like him. His spirits rose when Sakshi had compared their child to have some qualities of him.

Her well being was everything for Arjun. His daughter had brought about the man he had killed years before, his daughter made him love her creator - his Sakshi. His daughter bridged the gap between two estranged friends - Sameer and Arjun. Arjun smiled as the ETF Chief would dance in a manner that would put any joker to shame to make the little princess stop crying.

Sameer would be everything that Arjun wasn’t. A brilliant father, an exceptional husband, an adorable lover and a trustworthy best friend.

Arjun often felt he didn’t deserve the attention his baby gave him. But his life was wrapped around her little finger and by her mother’s smiles. If asked, Arjun wouldn’t hesitate to give his life for them.

His love for Sakshi grew hour by hour, still reeling in disbelief that he hadn’t recognised the love that he had for the woman who created a part of them. Whenever Sakshi would feed their tiny tot Arjun would be extra vigilant, he wanted to put her at ease, providing her with water, pillows… supporting Ahsaas.

Anything to make her believe that he loved Sakshi too.

Motherhood had added an extra glow and beauty to Sakshi. The flame of passion hadn’t been doused one bit in his heart, rather the fireworks of love and the glow of adore filled him whenever he looked at Sakshi. He loved Sakshi. He wanted to tear his chest and show his bleeding heart to the woman who meant his world for him.

Sakshi was anything but just the mother of their child.

She was the Sun of his universe.

~*~

“Sakshi?” Arjun called. She turned towards him as he showed a few pictures “Which one do you think is the best for her nursery?” he asked, careful not to make the mistake of taking decisions on her behalf. Sakshi frowned slightly and then sighed “Any of them… really.” she said softly and Arjun nodded, not wanting to irritate her.

“Erm I bought this sling.” Arjun showed her a red colour strap “Oh Good I can carry…” “Hush!” Arjun said softly, he pointed at the bandage on her IV strip and frowned “I  will carry Ahsaas! Not you… at least not now.” Arjun smiled as Sakshi nodded and closed her eyes.

~*~

Sakshi half smiled at Arjun as he walked into his house, fumbling with his keys while Ahsaas lay sleeping against his chest.

She half smiled at the loving picture they formed.

Oh Lord… why couldn’t all this be real?

Her heart bled at this. Arjun tuned behind to notice he haunted look and his heart stabbed in between.

Oh Lord… why doesn’t she believe that all this is real!

For the past week neither had spoken about Ahsaas’s residence, indirectly Arjun had asked if they could be living with him and Sakshi nodded. She was too tired for a battle against him, her strenuous pregnancy made her want to calm down and relax.

Arjun had found it slightly weird that she nodded without any hesitance or reluctance. The ETF team had been God sent as they set up his two bedroom apartment to a beautiful house in a span of four days.

He asked her to open the door, hoping she would understand the symbolic meaning behind it. Sakshi on the other hand refused to believe in anything as such, by now she had eased into their relation - parents of Ahsaas.

Arjun kept mum as her eyes were emotionless.

“Not much… just a small apartment…” Arjun said quietly as Sakshi kept her shoes aside and walked into his house for the first time.

And that’s when guilt hit him.

This was not the way the lady love of his life should have come to his life.

He took in a sigh and showed her his house. His heart fluttered a little as she gave an approving glance. “Erm Sakshi for the mean while I will shift the crib to our ro…” he stopped as her downcast eyes expressed her hesitance “The bedroom, in case Ahu would need something.” he said and his answer was met with a firm nod. Just a small smile crept on her lips by looking at the baby pink highchair.

"She can use this highchair from now itself, it's resizable!" Arjun said as Sakshi nodded gently, she toyed with little plaything on the tray and smiled, patting Ahu's hair gently while Arjun quietly loved how her slender fingers grazed his chest. There were hopes right?

"Erm... I know it's isn't much big in size.. I just hope you liked that I restyled it little bit. Ayesha said that you liked earthy colours." Arjun hesitated as Sakshi gently walked around the living room. She ran her fingers over the soft sofa and over the smooth desks. "You didn't have to spend this much, you actually didn't need to change your house." Sakshi spoke softly. "No no... I did nothing much! The sofa, work desk, table and lamps were Roshni's choice. I just changed the cover, curtains and added a few pillows and fruit basket. I guess you and Ahu might require more pillows thus I had asked..." Arjun continued to rattle off when Sakshi half smiled "It's fine Arjun. The house is beautiful, not small or uncomfortable." She said and Arjun nodded. 

"The kitchen?" Sakshi asked as she saw little potted plants and a spotless simple kitchen. "Yeah, I... erm... Chotu and Shree cleaned the kitchen in one day. We didn't have space for dining table hence it is in kitchen, I mean we can later get changes..." "No Arjun. It is beautiful, trust me. This kitchen is really nice. Space doesn't matter and I am tired of living empty..." Sakshi sighed and leaned against the counter while Arjun gulped. Something was wrong in Sakshi. She was just accepting everything and moving like a shadow. No traces of anger, excitement or anything. 

What was wrong?

"This is guest bathroom and this one is our bathroom. As in..." Arjun fumbled as his words ended up in giving a thorough different implication. "It's fine, I get it." Sakshi murmured and walked in "You do have a nice house Arjun." She nodded while Arjun smiled back. 

I have a house Sakshi, not a home... 

Sakshi looked at him as he spoke out what his mind stated. "A home comes from family and relations." She said and the two remained quiet, keeping the argument to themselves wisely. 

"T..t...this... is bedroom." Arjun gulped as he was scared of Sakshi's fury or anger. He was ready for a whiplash for he knew he deserved it. Perhaps he should bring the couch here? He had changed the dark covers to white for it was Sakshi's favourite colour. He just crossed his fingers as Sakshi entered the room. 

"We shall sleep together?" Sakshi asked as Arjun froze and tried to say something "If..y.. you... w..want... I...c.. can get a..." "It's fine." Sakshi said gently as she sat at the edge of the bed, shocking Arjun out of his wits. Happiness was a far cry, Sakshi just confused him. 

He looked on as she looked at the cupboard and nodded as her clothes were stacked neatly. "Thank you, it's a nice room." She said softly and he felt a weight lifted off his chest. 

"Though Sakshi, I need your help as to where to keep your make up and bangles..." "I don't want them anymore, I will place the deodorant and perfumes in here." Her platonic voice replied and Arjun felt smacked on his face. 

Something was severely wrong. Severely. 

He had been scared about his last words before she went into labour. He had been scared that she would fire up and retaliate.

He was relieved that she didn’t speak anything much about them, till now her silent glance and just a wide smile on the nursery explained that his words had robbed off the “anand” from her name.

"This is wonderful!" Sakshi exclaimed the minute she reached the nursery, an appreciation etched in her glance as she took in the soft earthy colours of the nursery, she was scared of any bright pink or bright colours but instead found a really beautiful nursery instead. She touched the crib, couch, pillows, toys and other things. "This is really beautiful Arjun!" Sakshi sighed in happiness as the nursery filled a lost joy in her heart. A twinge of regret snapped in his heart on understanding now what her happiness meant for him.

"Sakshi, there's also this closet that I got for Ahu, there are two of these... we could set up all the clothes later." Arjun held her hand while Sakshi looked self conscious, all of a sudden. He stepped back and watched as her face illuminated in joy.

"Ta daa..." Arjun said and a little gurgling sound from his chest made him look at his baby who was in all smiles. "My pinshesh is up?" he kissed Ahu's forehead who bobbed her head and flung her tiny arms all around, wiggling out of the strap.

As Ahu licked her baba's cheek and splashed it with sloppy kisses as Arjun held his treasure gently, Sakshi knew that she had to stick of with him. Arjun hurt her till no end, but this didn't mean that he was a terrible father. In fact he was a wonderful one and Sakshi knew that her little one adored her daddy dear to no end. She couldn't be selfish and deprive her baby of a loving father and a loving father with his doting child.

It did mean more heartbreak for Sakshi but by now she was used to feeling nothing for the man next to her except for the admiration of the fact that how good a father he is. "Did you like the closet Sakshi?" Arjun asked while smacking little kisses to his princess and rocking her gently in his arms.

"Beautiful." Sakshi smiled and touched the hem of a little frock. Ahu made a little wailing sound and stretched her arms towards her mamma. "My shonu (dearie)..." Sakshi warmed as her baby wailed for Sakshi. "My life..." Sakshi cooed gently as she rocked her baby who calmed at the smell of her mother.

"Um... Arjun would you mind keeping the rest of the bags inside, am afraid I must go." Sakshi said while Arjun smiled "You don't have to be formal Sakshi! Of course I will... but where are you going?" he asked while Ahu clawed on her mother's swollen chest as an answer "My little one is very hungry eh?" Sakshi kissed her baby's nose while Arjun nodded. "Thank you for the arrangement." Sakshi's face turned stoic towards him, and then melted to motherly warmth as she gentled her baby.

~*~

His heart cried out in forgiveness as she laid next to him, patting their baby to sleep. “I am sorry Sakshi… I really am.” He had croaked out to find a look of concern in her eyes.

“It’s ok Arjun, Good night… shonu… say night night to Baba..” Sakshi cooed a little while Ahsaas wrapped her fist around her baba and turned back to suckle milk.

Arjun just gaped at her transformation from being emotionless to a loving mother.

His eyes blurred with tears as he didn’t receive any of the cries, shouts or anything she would have hurled at him.

Gently placing his palm over hers, Arjun slipped into a dreamless sleep.

~*~

Two months later

Sakshi and Arjun were legally wedded. She demanded no fuss from the others, all she wanted was a signature on the paper and that had come as Arjun had proposed indirectly for a wedding. He had thought of a little religious wedding but Sakshi didn’t find the need.

He gulped at the woman who was a flawless mother, yet a hollow empty person next to him. She woke up, made breakfast, set his newspaper, look after Ahu and get the meals done. She had said in a flat voice that she wouldn’t be working till Ahu was a year.

He remembered as he decided to get a little arti thali to pray for their wedded bliss to only find her in the room, dosing with Ahu next to him while he stupidly held on to the plate.

They were married? Who were they kidding?

Arjun tried to make a move, his heart pained as Sakshi stopped wearing those bangles and barely touched the colourful kurtis. She didn’t wear blue anymore nor did she sip on coffee. All she did was slid into the comfortable black or grey shirts and play with their baby.

Many a times it would happen that the conversation amidst them would be his long sentences and her monosyllables.

Arjun smiled at his fate ruefully, hadn’t he been the same? Sakshi tried her little initiatives to speak to him but what did he do? Reply in hmm.

Whenever Arjun got a little gift, it would remain untouched. Sakshi had ceased to talk to anyone. Mentally she wanted to rip off his head and state calmly that things were different, and she didn’t care.

Only trifling moments of passion would give a little hope in his heart. When Sakshi had walked out of the washroom to face a gaping Arjun. She had closed her eyes in quiet submission as he walked closer. For a moment his heart skipped a beat as he trailed the wet locks but her lack of response jabbed him in his gut and he walked away.

Sakshi’s heart stopped bleeding eons ago. Of course that didn’t stop the desire to be his, but love? Thinking of a happy future with him? Him being a husband to her… these dreams were trampled upon long ago.

Tonight as her little baby suckled till her fill and dozed off, Sakshi turned to the side to find Arjun gazing at her. She didn’t flinch as he put a strand of her hair behind her ear. “Sakshi, we need to talk…” he whispered.

Talk… the four words which still frightened her, experience told her that words weren’t exactly the best thing between them.

“I know I have been a bas***d… I made love to you not knowing it’s implications. I didn’t care for you, I wasn’t next to you, I was selfish, cruel, a son of a b**** but trust me Sakshi…. I was running away from myself. I loved you but I didn’t know I love you. I was scared of you leaving me before I could do so and thought of various ways to distance myself from you for I thought that my presence might kill you. I didn’t want you to suffer anymore.” Arjun sighed and cupped her cheeks, kissing the tears that dropped on her cheeks.

Sakshi’s heart shivered as he confessed his love to her. “I love you Sakshi, you mean everything to me.” He murmured while Sakshi closed her eyes and revelled in the feeling of being loved.

“I forgive you Arjun.” Sakshi said while Arjun hugged her tightly “But I can’t forget.” her words stopped Arjun’s joy and he looked at her. “Jaan..” he started to be stopped by Sakshi.

“I can’t forget when I made love to the man who meant my soul only to have him return my clothes and run away the next morning. I can’t forget the insults I had to bear as a single pregnant woman. I can’t forget the lies I had to say to save our images. I can’t forget the scans I had to do alone. I can’t forget the loneliness, I can’t forget the harsh words, I can't forget what you had said before the labour, I can't forget the way… I can’t Arjun.” Sakshi breathed out while Arjun shook in fear.

“Please Sakshi don’t leave me. I will die without you.” He kissed her in desperation while her lips remained still under his. He grew frantic… what would make her convinced?

“I won’t leave you Arjun, but it’s just that… these things don’t make a difference. Love makes no difference in me. I can’t hold any grudge too long. You are an excellent father and that’s all you will be. We will be happy parents.” Sakshi’s flat voice spoke while Arjun stared in disbelief.

“No Sakshi! It wasn’t just Ahu… it’s us.. as husband wife… as lovers…” Arjun stated, his hands running through his hair.

“Only because Ahu came you understood this, what if she never came? There’s no us Arjun… there’s we… Ahu, You and I.” Sakshi half smiled.

“No… Sakshi… we… we are lovers and spouses! We have a relation of our own! We love each other!” He cupped her cheeks and cried as he tried to make her understand.

“Am afraid this makes no difference.” Sakshi sighed and tried to make him understand.

“Sakshi slap me, kill me… but please don’t…” he broke down while Sakshi frowned.. how could she state she felt nothing. “Hold yourself Arjun, I will be faithful and be a good mother. If you want me to be a spouse I shall be so, I won't stop you from coming close to me but please don’t expect feelings or love from me or any sort of reciprocation, nothing exists anymore.”

Arjun cursed himself and spoke incoherent words as he kissed her face and tried to bring her back, to only see her lost face. “Good night Arjun and please do not stress yourself, tomorrow I guess you have a case at 7.30, breakfast will be done by 6.45.” she said and laid on the pillow. She didn’t react when he put an arm through her waist and hugged her tightly, his pleads went to deaf ears, his I love you’s made no difference.

This time Arjun realised her quiet acceptance to facts.

He had lost his Sakshi.

Forever.

~*~

CHAPTER 17

Arjun brushed away the locks from Sakshi’s face as she slept peacefully. His fingers trailed along her cheeks and jaws, her softness leaving a scorching heat in his heart. He pecked her slightly and wished his Sakshi to come back to him.

As his wife, his lover. “I swear Sakshi I would show you how it is to be loved, to be touched… to be snuggled… I would shower every inch of my love on you but please come back to me. I love you so very much.” Arjun whispered and walked towards the washroom while Sakshi opened her eyes and flicked away a tear.

Arjun loves her? Sakshi couldn't understand what’s going on, his kisses, pleads of love… nothing seemed genuine. Her heart did lose a beat when all they share is a breath and meshing of lips for a quaint moment but then she couldn’t trust him, a question always loomed in her mind.

She hadn’t been blind to his constant efforts, tucking them to bed, keeping her clothes next to his… as if it’s the most natural thing in the world! Moving around the house in towel, bickering over his clothes… he made her feel like a part of the house. He did everything to make her feel like his wife.

Yet nothing broke the barrier of ice. “Sakshi?” his voice brought Sakshi back to reality “Yeah…” her voice trembled. He poked his head out of the door, few strands of wet hair touched his face. “All ok? I needed a towel.” he looked aside in embarrassment as Sakshi shook her head. She handed him over the towel and looked at his face, subconsciously her fingers reached to his handsome face and wiped off the water droplets clinging on to his stubble, she boldly rubbed off the moisture accumulated on his masculine lips and sighed when he held her hand.

“I am not invisible to what you have been doing Arjun…” Sakshi said softly, least bothered about the dark patches on her kurti as water droplets from him soaked in her skin. “But…” “Shush… you have been speaking a lot nowadays. I am a human Arjun, I can’t lie… I love it when your hands rests over my waist, I love it when you push back the locks from my face, I love it when you gently stroke my neck and knead the aching spots when I feed Ahu… I love all that Arjun but it’s not enough to love you all over again. You are what any wife would have wanted in a  husband but the past is too hard to let it go… what if you regret one morning?” Sakshi asked as Arjun’s grip across her waist hardened.

“I shall never regret this Sakshi!”

“Even when you wake up in my arms on Roshni’s birthday? Tell me Arjun…” Sakshi asked his his hands loosened “Sakshi… I” “I know Roshni’s importance for you and I know that she meant the sun of your universe… didn’t I fall for you for this very reason? The thing is that I don’t want you to hide Roshni from my sight! Her pictures are stacked away and you don’t mention her in front of me. The look of guilt in your eyes whenever I mention Roshni eats me up… this doesn’t work out well…” Sakshi sighed and rested her head over his heart.

“I have always been a simple girl, just wanted a good job, help the society, keep my parents happy… have a man to love and marry and give birth to lovely children. That’s it. Usse zyaada ummeed bhi nahi ki… Arjun I don’t like it when you hide yourself from who you actually are. This is not you… you don’t compromise… you don’t look for expectations.” Sakshi stepped back and looked at their sleeping daughter.

Arjun sighed and leaned against the cool tiled wall of the bathroom, his eyebrows furrowed as the look of love in Sakshi’s eyes turned into lost hope.

“Arjun… if Ahu wasn’t there would you have fallen in love with me?” Sakshi asked, least bothered about the hot tear dripping on her cheeks.

“You see Arjun, Ahu hai… toh tumhara pyaar mere liye hai… Ahu nahi hoti, nahi humare beech koi pyaar… humara rishta aisa hai ki bacchi ke khayal rakhte rakhte maa papa main pyaar aa gaya… but the relationship which exists due to the existence of another doesn’t last long.” Sakshi sighed and curled her fingers around the handle of the bathroom door.

“Sakshi…” “Stop doing all this Arjun… I won’t be able to take it if this fades away. I won’t be able to take this again. I just need a normal life, khud se ladna… tum se ladna… ab taakat nahi rahi mujhme.” Sakshi wiped aside the tears and and cupped his cheek.

“You don’t have to love me because you saw me giving birth to Ahu… it’s no obligation Arjun, it seriously isn’t. We are best as parents and we shall remain as that. Chalo, maine khana laga diya hai.” Sakshi loosened her hand out of Arjun’s grip and ran away.

~*~

Throughout the office hours Sakshi’s words were  hitting his head whenever he tried to think about their relationship several questions hurled in his mind.

He pressed his aching temples when a soft voice interrupted him “Sir? Chai?” Ayesha’s smile faded as she saw the grim expression “Oh… yeah sure… what’s the update?” Arjun cleared his throat and faked a smile as Ayesha forwarded the inputs.

“Nothing different from what you and Samee… Rathore sir predicted” “Haha, Ayesha mere saamne it’s fine if you call him as Sameer!” Arjun chuckled as a scarlet adorned Ayesha’s cheeks.

“As I was saying, the dilated pupil extended due to the intake of drugs but by the inner bruises on the mouth it was mostly forced. Upon digging up the history of the victim it’s come up that he had a fallout with his partner as his partner was leaking the information of the precious chemicals to the terrorists. So… it’s pretty much understandable as to who is the perpetrator.” Ayesha said while Arjun replied with an appreciative nod.

“Great work team…” “Um… sir… is everything alright?” Ayesha asked while Arjun half smiled “Couldn’t patch up with her yet?” a slight dent of her dimple answered his surprise as to how she knew “It’s evident sir, the way you have been taking care of her…”

“Ayesha… the question isn’t anymore about making it up for her, it’s about what I feel for her and what future do I want with her!” Arjun exhaled and sunk into his plush chair. “Sir, there isn’t anything much I can advise you regarding this except one thing… how have you handled her when she was the only woman in your life.” Ayesha smiled and walked out of the cabin giving him the much needed space.

Arjun pondered over Ayesha’s words and his throat felt acidic as he recalled the not so happy moments of her life. He had always been a pest to her and always managed to hurt her.

“Rawte?” Sameer asked as Arjun walked himself into a pillar “Oh thanks…” Arjun grumbled “Erm, shall I drop you home?” Sameer asked to which Arjun nodded.

Sameer looked aside and cleared his throat “Ahu’s fine?” “Yeah she’s perfect… very naughty but a little angel.” “Ah her naughtiness is expected!” Sameer laughed and recalled when Ahu pulled his mustache.

“Don’t blame me for pulling your mustache in twelfth! They were so thick for a lad of seventeen!” Arjun retorted while Sameer scrunched his eyebrows “They hurt big time! And your baby is no different, before she kisses me hello she pulls my mustache, I really must consider Ayesha’s advice of shaving it off!” Sameer grumbled while Arjun sighed.

“I never really apologised to you for my behaviour did I?” “What’s wrong Rawte?” Sameer asked “Nothing… I just realised that my ego on being right and being away from the people I love has cost me a lot, it cost me the wife I loved the most, it cost me my best friend… and now it costs me the only love of my life.” Arjun relaxed his head at the headrest and looked at the blurring city beside him.

Sameer watched how his friend aged as guilt settled over him. He too, wasn’t a great example of being a friend. “Acceptance to facts means a big thing.. Ar.. Rawte. I haven’t been too great a friend either.”

The two friends sat in silence, it had been a long time since they had arrived Arjun’s house but neither could leave without having spoken words they missed out in the previous years. “What’s the problem between you two?” Sameer nudged at his once best friend.

“Ab baat Sakshi ko manane main nahi raha…” Arjun finally spoke out. “It’s about where does this lead to! What is our future? She refuses to believe in any love of mine, and I don’t blame her for doing so…” Arjun slumped against the seat and sighed.

“You haven’t given her much reason to trust you, I agree… for she perhaps believes it’s the child due to  whom you are showering love and affection to her. Women need nothing more than abundant love and their hearts are so tender that nothing replaces the actions in past unless the present becomes more beautiful.” Sameer fidgeted with the clasp of his watch when he saw a glimmer of hope enter Arjun’s eyes.

“Thank you.” Arjun smiled slightly and stepped out of the car,

“Sameer? Would you and Ayesha mind to come over for dinner day after?” Arjun walked away without looking at the shocked face of Sameer on being addressed with his first name.

A phone call interrupted his happy moment.

“Damn it! Kaun?” Sameer grumbled to turn white as the person on the other line spoke up “Oh babe it’s you? Oh sorry, yeah Ayesha I promised I won’t say damn it again! Arrey… fine not another damn it! Arrey what do you mean by not speaking to me for a day!” Sameer consoled his fiancee who ranted over the ‘damn it’ to be coaxed with gentle words.

 ~*~

Sakshi was surprised to have found someone ringing the bell at seven in the evening. Wasn’t Arjun supposed to be home by now?

Keeping Ahu on the baby seat Sakshi flung a scarf on her and rushed towards the door. “Arjun?” a surprised tone escaped her mouth as Arjun walked in and removed his shoes near the shoe rack.

“Erm, was someone else expected?” Arjun asked “Nahi… woh nahi, I mean you usually use the key, did you lose it?”

“I am afraid so, acha just help me with this bag please.” Arjun smiled as she flustered a bit and kept his office bag beside their sofa.

Sakshi tucked a nervous strand behind her ear as she felt this to be so domestic. Never had she imagined opening a door for him and helping him with his stuff.

Arjun noticed that Sakshi shrugged off her scarf and loosened her ponytail as she walked towards the kitchen. She was used to his presence, how come he never noted this?

Arjun slowly realized that Sakshi had silently acknowledged him as her husband but her barriers never allowed her to express this feeling to him openly, the mangalsutra dangled back and forth as she kneaded into the flour and he smiled at her enhanced beauty.

Their marriage was actually a beautiful play of fate.

Marriage. The word stilled in his heart. Arjun paled as he realized that neither actually wedded in the way of joy and celebration it should have been with. A simple paper sealed their fate, a fate of two people who fell in love with each other without an ounce of joy attached with it.

Suddenly everything dawned on Arjun, what he did now made no difference unless he rectified what he did earlier.

His indifference, reluctance, hesitance… any memory attached to their coming together was filled solely by pain. The Ahu that joined them now drew a wedge between them for all she believed was that they were together for the fact that she gave birth to his child.

“Arjun?” Sakshi’s voice brought him back from the daunting realization. “Yeah…” his hoarsed reply drew concern from Sakshi “All’s well? Any problem?”

“How are you?” he asked “Me? Main toh ghar pe hi hoon!” Sakshi blinked rapidly “Phir bhi…”

“Ahu was a lovely angel today, her nose was running slightly but with little sleep and warm clothes the cold was off her.” Sakshi picked her baby and rocked her in her arms.

“But I asked about you Sakshi.” Arjun said and Sakshi replied “Me?”

“Yes you…” Sakshi coloured a little in knowing not what to reply.

“I am fine. How’s work?” Sakshi asked and squealed as Ahu longed to be in her Baba’s arms. “Aww my love, here my little princess.” Arjun chuckled as she lovingly kicked and pulled his with her pudgy feet and chubby fingers.

“Strenuous, my back’s aching… today we had to go almost all around the city to nab this smuggler.” Sakshi gazed at his closed eyes and the lines of fatigue that had formed around them, she almost wanted to press his temples but something forbade her to do so.

“I’ll set a hot water bath.” she murmured and left.

~*~

To find Arjun walking out of the bathroom in nothing but his boxers and finding his clothes turned Sakshi as red as a blooming rose. Since it was Ahu’s morning feed Sakshi could do nothing but simply stare at her husband pick his clothes and walk back to the washroom.

He came out half tucking his shirt and slipping the belt, as he combed back his wet hair he noticed her handbag out and Sakshi in her everyday clothes. “Kahi jaana hai?” he asked as Sakshi said “Nothing to bother you, just vitamin supplements.”

“Oh good, come I’ll drop you.”

“No need to bother.”

“And that’s the LAST time you are telling me that your shopping is a bother for me.” Arjun rolled up his sleeves and signaled her to follow him.

~*~

TO say Sakshi was feeling like a classified idiot to blush when Arjun said that would be one honest statement. What was wrong with her?

She did like it when he was back to his usual old self and dominating her in a manner way to adorable. She laughed when he tried to use the same tone on Ahu to get a pouty crying face, that would be the only time when ACP Rawte would be on his knees trying to woo his little baby and bring a smile on her face.

It became a routine for Sakshi to open the door for Arjun and discuss the rising price of onions, slight inhibitions of her feeding Ahu in front of him faded away.

No rapid changes took place over a fortnight, but Sakshi appreciated how Arjun took baby steps to acknowledge her as something more than Ahu’s mother. Something close to a wife.

Arjun acknowledged whenever she wore a sky blue kurti, the latter smiled on his attention on her. Sweetly yet with painstakingly slow time Arjun had faded the memories of pain with their alter versions in reality.

What surprised Sakshi was Arjun’s call to her parents and brother to state all’s well at their end.

In spite of the fading distance, the duo felt a certain stagnation of their relationship. One dare admit that they were close to being confidantes to each other yet each yearned for something more.

Sakshi often touched his shirts with a silent longing, she chided her heart several times for expecting so much from a man who lost his entire world. She chided herself for falling in love, again.

In some circumstances it’s horribly true that one is always in love with their friend at one point of time.

Arjun often hesitated taking the first step of intimacy, after what had happened the last time… he couldn’t bear to hurt her. Her smiles were enough to calm the passionate heart.

If only one communicated to the other about their need for each other, not the sexual bit…  but just the emotional bit. For a strange wall amidst them neither could acknowledge their true feelings on fore.

~*~

Sakshi wiped her damp cheeks and braided her hair. She slipped back the golden bangle on her wrist and wiped her hands on her cotton shirt. When she walked out to her surprise she found Arjun reading through her sonography reports.

She gulped as bitter memories of her pregnancy seeped in and sat beside him, speechless to say or ask anything as she saw his eyes moist when he touched the foetus on every scan.

“I’m sorry for not being there Sakshi… I am sorry.” his voice trembled as he spoke.

“It’s okay.”

“It’s not Sakshi, I should have been next to you, it wasn’t fair that I plunge into you one night and then act as an escapist when you bear our baby, I am a terrible man.” he groaned and cradled his head in his palms.

Sakshi sniffed softly and held his head “You did look after me…”

“The way I did, it was better if you were carrying a dead husband’s child!” “HUSH!” Sakshi glared at him. “You know the pain of losing a mate, don’t say this ever again.”

“Just tell me once… why you made love to me? Perhaps you were too emotional…” Sakshi sighed in resignation when he held her hand and pulled his wife closer.

“There’s one thing I need to tell you Sakshi, I didn’t make love to you because I was too emotional and needed relief…” he paused and took a laboured breath,

“I made love to you because I was with you and needed to make you and love you as mine. It was because Sakshi was with me that this happened, it wouldn’t have happened had it been anyone else. It wasn’t the moment Sakshi, it was you.” he sighed and wiped away the hot tears from her cheeks.

“You feel for me?”

“I always did Sakshi. I was hurt when you didn’t let me buy your medicines, hurt when you asked me when I should be leaving your house after your parents went, hurt that you didn’t demand for your right on me, hurt when you pushed me away, hurt that you didn’t fight for us.” Arjun confided and revealed all the thoughts amidst his heart and mind.

Sakshi looked at him in wonder and shock “And I was hurt for you claimed me yet didn’t give me a right to claim you as mine. Hurt that you never noticed that I dressed up for you. Hurt that you didn’t want to stay longer and say that Sakshi I want to stay. Hurt that you never offered to be through my sonographs…”

“And I thought you never wanted me for you saw me as a man of lust who fed on you for a night…” Arjun revealed

“And I thought you never loved me for you felt I was the third woman amidst you and Roshni…” Sakshi hiccuped as tears clogged her clear speaking.

“Hush my love, neither of us understood the other!” Arjun held his head and looked at Sakshi “I don’t know what I have done to have deserved your untainted love towards me, but I shall work my way to make sure I am worth of the love and trust you have placed on me.” Arjun’s palm quivered as he cupped her cheek.

Sakshi stifled a sob and came willingly to his arms “You deserve every inch of love from both of us Arjun… none of us blames you for who you became.” She kissed his teary face as he took a deep breath and cupped her cheeks.

“Sakshi, I need to tell you one thing. Ahu just added and made me realize that I love you, I didn’t fall for you because we had Ahu… never. After Roshni if there’s anybody in my life it’s only you. I can’t speak much… I just don’t know how to say, if you leave me I will be perished.” Arjun vehemently tried to make her believe in him as he spoke.

Sakshi parted her lips to say something but found nothing to state. The only answer was a tight hug which swelled another pain in their hearts, the hearts of two lovers.

None realized when hugs and caresses turned into sensuous kisses, before he unbuttoned his shirt and held her cheeks to say “I am going to love you the way you deserved it, this is not bec…” “I understand you… now I truly do Arjun.” Sakshi smiled through her tears but hesitated  when his hand reached the hem of her shirt.

“Sakshi if you need time I completely…” a breathless Arjun spoke as she shook her head negatively “No no… it’s just that… I am not that Sakshi anymore. I don’t have a supple waist, rather I have stretch marks and t..those have become larger and my hips, thighs…”

“Shush…” Arjun said and smiled at his adorable wife. “Do you think any of these things will matter for me?” he asked while she bit her lower lip and nodded a no “Then why are you stating these?”

He ruffled her hair and pecked her forehead “Let’s take our time to cherish this Sakshi… I ww.. wanted to tell you something.” he hesitated and looked at her. “Bolo na?” she said softly.

Arjun peered at his sleeping child then lead his wife to the balcony. “What’s it?” Sakshi asked as she fixed the buttons of his shirt. He held in a breath and kissed her palms.

He bent at one knee and half smiled at a disbelieving Sakshi whose eyes went round at his gestures “Sakshi…”

“Oh Arjun!” she moaned on recognizing his words and stopped him with a full kiss on his mouth. “Let me say, please.” Arjun pushed back her bangs while Sakshi sniffed in approval.

“You weren’t supposed to mean so much to me…” he confessed to a teary Sakshi who held on to his warm palm.

“And I wasn't supposed to fall in love with you.” Sakshi smiled as she confessed.

“Perhaps we should never suppose what is to happen and what’s to not happen.” his voice had a slight chuckle to it and she felt the warmth of the gleam in his eyes.

“I love you Sakshi, will you allow me to be a deserving baba of Ahu and your loving husband. Will you give me another chance? Will you marry me?” Arjun kissed the back of her palms as Sakshi broke down and crumbled on her knees.

“I just want to be loved like you too, yes… I love you and I want to be your wife once more.” Sakshi hugged him as he embraced her.

“Tomorrow?” he asked

“Tomorrow.” she smiled.

He gently lifted her in his arms and took her to their bedroom, smiling at each other, looking beyond the relation that bound them - rather cherishing in the love they harbored for the other.

Sakshi still hesitated as his finger pads traced the stretch marks “You carried our love, I am proud of you.” He kissed the marks which enunciating a soft moan from her lovely mouth.

“And your hips and thighs, my jaan you held another life being in you! You were lovely as Sakshi Anand, now you’re ethereal as Sakshi Rawte.” as Sakshi blushed till her toes as he caressed her with the gentility of a husband and the passion of a lover.

Sakshi caught her breath as he gently held her soft form, she crossed her hand across her chest in utter shyness and embarrassment as Arjun saw her for the first time “Do you want me to stop?” he asked.

Unable to answer she cupped her face in her palms as he twirled her locks aside “Sakshi, I truly love you and you are the only salvation of my life.” he kissed her hair and thanked the lord for giving him her.

To bring another brilliant smile on her lovely face he whispered a few words which made her slap his chest and hug him in a failed effort of hiding her blush.

As the night rolled on the heavens above smiled at their sweet union of body and mind, the angels couldn’t help but redden over Arjun’s words, for they were utterly scandalous and sounded something like…

“As far as those are concerned… I am a man and…”

The rest was better left off as a secret amidst the couple.

Finally each had crossed the barriers set by them to fall in love all over again.

EPILOGUE

“Dad... I am pregnant…” twenty four year old Ahsaas reported what devastated her parents on the spot.

“HOW DARE!” “Arjun please! Ahsaas, who’s the guy… what did he say?” Sakshi leaned on to her husband’s arm for support.

“Sakshi how can I control! That man! How dare he fu” “ARJUN! Please! Ahsaas?” Sakshi slumped on the couch as Ahsaas ran up to them,

“Maa, Baba… I am sorry, I don’t know how it happened! I mean we went out for an excursion to the ruins when I was stuck in the pyramids and finally I found him, I thought I was going to die and he supported me and… Shashank and I…” Ahsaas broke down.

Arjun threw a glass in anger but didn’t utter a word “Shash… isn’t he that divorcee? The Senior Editor at National Geographic? Is this why we sent you out? To get a child from a man who wouldn’t promise anything!” Sakshi cried into her husband’s arms.

“He.. ss.. said he will visit me and give the baby his name, please Maa… I don’t want to kill my baby. I love them both.” Ahsaas cried out while Arjun took heavy steps towards his daughter and rubbed her head “Baba!” Ahsaas cried harder while Arjun hugged her tight.

~*~

“WHY IS AHSAAS HAVING A PREMATURE LABOUR!” Arjun shook the collars of Shashank who looked morose. His usual sharp and lean features looked slumped and defeated.

“Arjun, shant ho jao… please!” Sakshi pleaded when her husband heaved and tried to control the sudden wave of nausea. “EXPLAIN!” Sakshi thundered while Shashank collapsed on the floor, begging for their forgiveness “I… ll.. love her! I do! What I said, I meant none of it! I swear, I can’t live without her.” he cried out while Sakshi tried to keep her husband away from fighting the man in front. The only thing apart from her child she cared was the failing health of her husband.

Years had dawned on him as they took up the shape of grey near his temples and the wrinkles of worry, yet he was the most handsome man in her life. Arjun gulped and looked down at his love, his Sakshi. He cupped her pale cheeks and whispered “Why? Why is she suffering for my sins?” he cried and seeked for solace amidst the scented crook of her neck.

“She’s calling you and Shashank…” Sasha, Ayesha and Sameer’s daughter, Ahsaas’ best friend called out.

Arjun rushed towards the room with Shashank in heels. “Ba…” “My love... my baby!” Arjun cupped the white sweaty cheeks of his daughter.

“Ff.. forgi.. ve Sh.. sha an.. and… ll.. let him… cc. care… oo.. ur.. our baby, ac.. accept him.” Ahsaas breathed as Shashank howled and planted kisses on her face, his heart searing on the image of his little girl.

Shashank took the sight of his blooded baby on Ahsaas’ chest “I love you Ahsaas, I do… please come back love!” he cried while Arjun’s heart beat stilled at the repetition of events.

Why was his Ahsaas, his precious one paying for the sins of her father’s?

“I am sorry, but Ahsaas couldn't make it.” the midwife said.

~*~

“NO!” A ghostly gasp escaped Arjun’s mouth as he got up and stared at his surroundings. Sweaty despite the chill of the air conditioner her looked aside to find his young wife sleeping after the storm of passion last night and his toddler, his Ahsaas dozing gaily in her crib.

Arjun trembled as he kissed his daughter’s head and thanked the lord. For it was nothing but a terrible dream.

A dream that was his wife’s reality.

“Arjun?” a soft voice interrupted his trail of thoughts, he turned to meet the worried eyes of his wife. Sakshi placed her palm on his sculpted bicep and gently asked “Are you worried?”

Arjun’s heart now took a soft steady beat, he had seen the life of his wife in the eyes of a father. His respect for his wife increased by ten folds.

Sakshi staggered back in the force of his hug “I am sorry… I am so sorry my love! I never understood you nor your sacrifices for me. I don’t know why I stifled my love for you.” He whispered while Sakshi cupped his bristly cheek.

“It’s only the tenderness that remains what makes a difference Arjun.” with a great effort she placed her lips on his cheek.

“I love you” he snuggled with his wife on the carpeted floor.

“I love you more” she sighed in bliss.

“I love you most.” he argued with a kiss.

“I love you the mostest.” she retorted with a shier kiss.

“Nay, I love you to the infinity… and listen to me my to-be wife...” he silenced her with a lover’s move.

Set back against the rising sun the weaved a magical future of each other, a future of love, tenderness, affection and respect.

- finis -